Shadows of redemption: the train that brought me back to you
by Franfy
Summary: Ana and Christian meet again after of being separated with no explanation. Both are still madly in love and haven't been able to forget it, but there still are too many lies and secrets between them. Will they be able to find the truth and recover their love? This is the story of casual encounter that will take them to recover or lose the love of their life on a train ride.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Welcome to our new story! Hope you enjoy and as always your feedback, comments or whatever message will be well received. **

**This story is in Spanish and translated to English by .emily, who is also happy to receive all your suggestions**

**Christian and Ana belong to E.L. James, but the ride is ours.**

**Preface**

I know my eyes are swollen… it's just that it's been a long time since I am alone. I guess those little steps have filled my life almost till I sometimes forget the emptiness in the middle of my chest.

I never do it, but today I'll take the train for work. I have used his absence to run some errands and fix some things… my car is one of them. God I hate the train, but at least it gives me time to think… although I don't know if that's a good idea.

Today I found myself thinking about those difficult days, but happier in some way. I take a deep breath and in that moment the past engulfs me and fills me. That smell of winter without heating, and just feeling warm in his embrace.


	2. Daydreaming

**Chapter 1: Daydreaming**

I wonder what is she doing now? In this 9 years there hasn't been a morning where I had woken up without wanting her to be here looking at me, without this hard pain in my heart. But it's a fact; I didn't deserve that love, that's why I lost her.

Like every morning in these 5 years that I've been working, I grab my jacket and walk to the train station. I'm going earlier today, the holydays and the end of the year are coming and we need to finish the drinks inventory. Elliot is a disaster with the numbers and they are easier for me, maybe helping the boss will get me some extra cash and I'll be able to go back to Washington. _No, stop thinking that Christian, you won't find her… you haven't found her already_.

I get on the train, distracted. I like to look at the other passengers' faces. I imagine how are their lives and their most secret perversions. I'm pretty sure that that girl with her lovely face like a saint must be a wildcat in bed or a great submissive; and that fat guy, he probably hasn't get laid in years, he's obsessed with the young girl's tits. I chuckled. Suddenly I see a young couple, I'm sure they are not 18 yet and my heart twists. It's like seeing a postcard, a picture of happier times, when my life was full and had a meaning.

Today is a terrible day to be wondering in my mind, maybe a drink will do the trick, but it's barely 8 am and alcohol has never been a good breakfast. I sigh and keep looking through the window till the train stops. I'm one station closer to my destiny. New passengers come up, the usual exchange. I pretend to be sleeping in my seat. There's always that woman with a lot of kids or the old lady full of packages looking at me with hate, demanding to give her my seat. I notice the movement around me and a sudden scream startles me at the same time that a soft hand stops a huge book of medicine from falling over my head:

"Watch out!" I open my eyes; her hand is so familiar. "I'm sorry, it slip"

"Don't worry," I answer dryly while I think about the situation…

God, that voice. It can't be her, but it is hers voice, Ana, there's no doubt. I look at her face and her eyes seem empty, it's like she doesn't know me. She tucks her books under her arm and walks a little ahead on the train; she looks relaxed, as if nothing happened, as if I was translucent. I can't take my eyes away from her, but she doesn't seem to notice. I wish she would come closer.

Suddenly the old lady seating in front of me stands to walk to the door. I pray that the girl takes her place and God seems to hear my prayer. She comes to seat right in front of me. She is Iooking through her books and I can't stop watching her. I don't want to scare her, I just want to be sure it's her and that it's not my anxious wish of seeing her that's playing tricks with my mind, making me believe that's Ana, my Ana.

In a minute she raises her face and our eyes lock for a moment. She then looks to the window, but I can't stop staring at her. _Could it be that she doesn't remember me?_ Maybe it's not her. But those eyes… those are definitely her eyes.

I could never forget the wonderful blue of those little eyes that I saw for the first time when we met at the orphanage. I was so scared and damaged that I couldn't understand life without violence. She instead, was an angel that could barely say two words together. She was wise and quiet. The pain of the memory becomes clearer… She was barely a few years and she came close to me and with her frail hand tried to touch me… I was a dark kid and she was pure light, but my Ana didn't give up after I pushed her. As if she was a little doctor, she came to me again, opened her medicine bag and cured a wound near my lips. I now found myself touching that old scar.

I don't know what to do, I've been waiting 9 years for this moment and I'm paralyzed. I've completely forgot the speech that I rehearsed so many times. I should've studied it more. _How was it? Hi, I've been looking for you so much… I… _fuck! I should've written it._ Sure Christian, and now you would take out the piece of paper and read it to her. If she ran away from you before, she probably would do it again._ But I have to tell her something. She must be going to college or to the hospital because she's carrying these huge books of medicine and one of Keats… a romantic as always. There's no doubt that she is Ana. But if she is, _why does she look at me like she doesn't know me?_ I still have a couple of stations before the university's and the before the hospital's one.

I rehearsed the speech in my mind. _Hi Ana, do you remember me? I'm your childhood sweetheart_. I'm such a big idiot. She fidgets in her seat, focused in her book. Is just me or did she blushed? Maybe I'm imagining things and this girl seating in front of me is only a stranger.

I take a deep breath. One station to the university stop but she doesn't seem to move. She looks at her watch, it's loose on her wrist, and when she moves her jacket I can see her skin, white and soft, that skin I wandered so many times with my clumsy hands. Ana, I've been waiting so long for this and here I am, unable to say a word. I can't even look you in the eyes like I used to.

Fuck, she stops reading and just like she did as a kid, she folds the corner of the page. She's going to leave the train_. I can't lose her again, come on Christian speak! For god's sake, say something!_

"Hi, do you remember me? I'm Christian, it's been so long," but I feel like I'm speaking Russian and she only knows English. She just gives me a shy smile. "I'm Christian, Christian Grey, from the orphanage? In Washington?"

What is that look in her eyes? Longing? A memory? Shame? Please say something, please be her. In that tiny second I picture different outcomes… She looks at me and says _Yes, how are you? It's been so long… _or _I know who you are but I want nothing to do with you_… that one hurts me the most but I would understand… or _Christian, I've been looking for you_, and that's the one I would love to hear. But the silence stretches between us, till I see her take a deep breath and I follow

"I'm sorry mister but you mistook me for someone else," she smiles and goes back to her books. "Sorry, but aren't you Anastasia Steele?" I ask. "No mister, you clearly mistook me for someone else. If you'll excuse me I have to go back to my studies."

I'm not able to answer and I won't push her. I don't want her to switch seats. My breath stops just as my life. I stay quiet and search her face for any sign that she's lying but I don't see any. There's nothing in that beautiful face, that seems carved in marble, white and cold.

We passed the stop of the university and the one of the hospital, and the girl doesn't move. _It's not Ana, it's not Ana, it's not Ana_. My head keeps repeating it and I feel my heart has stop again. _Is it really someone else and not my Ana?_ Maybe I'm freaking out and I'm looking at every brunette girl as if she was the one woman I can't forget. _No, it's not her_, I try to convince myself. The next is my stop and now I'm thankful that I didn't had written down that speech of _I miss you, I still love you, blah blah blah_. I would have made a ridicule of myself. I stand up and close my jacket, but she doesn't look from her books. The cold in this city it's nothing compared to what I feel in my chest.

While waiting for the doors to open I feel as if she's looking at me. I turn, but it's just another illusion of my mind. She hasn't turned her eyes from those stupid pages that undoubtedly are more interesting than me, than my love and my pain. _Stop Christian, it's not her, it's not Ana. _

I get down on the platform and wait for the door to close. I turn to look at her seat but she's not there and for just a second I feel whole again, maybe it is her and she didn't dare to say something because she was ashamed or because of the other passengers. I look around with hope, but the platform is empty…

What a shitty way to start the day… daydreaming.


	3. Lies and neurosurgery

**AN: Christian and Ana belong to E.L James, the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

**Chapter 2: Lies and neurosurgery**

I know my eyes are swollen… it's just that it's been a long time since I am alone. I guess those little steps have filled my life almost till I sometimes forget the emptiness in the middle of my chest. His look is so smart; it reminds me of his father.

I never do it, but today I'll take the train for work. I have used Teddy's absence to run some errands and fix some things… my car being one of them. God I hate the train, but at least it gives me time to think… although I don't know if that's a good idea.

The cold surrounds me while I walk to the train station. The day is dark as usual, but this time the wind is extremely cruel with my frail and lanky body.

Today I found myself thinking about those difficult days, but happier in some way. I take a deep breath and in that moment the past engulfs me and fills me. That smell of winter when there was no heating, and I could just feel warm with Christian's embrace.

_Stop now Ana_. I hold myself while I buy the ticket. I check my reflection at the window station, and the years have definitely gone by, I can hardly recognize myself now. It is as if my mind got stuck with the version of me ten years ago. I'm older, tired, even though I'm still young… it's just that I have suffered too much. I tuck my books in my arms and try to remember why I decided to bring them today. I smile, sometimes is better to put my head in a book than in the past.

I don't remember my biological parents, but I have a feeling that they were good people; I don't feel that they owe me anything. The day I discovered they had die because of a car accident caused by a drug addict that was driving, my world got meaning. I stop feeling abandoned, and understanding and forgiveness filled my soul. I was also in that car, just a baby; it was a miracle that I survived. Actually it was because of my car seat and that I was wearing all the belts. That proved me that my parents loved me. That's why I've always been extra careful with Teddy's safety. I believed that loving someone is also worrying about that person's safety; even when he thinks I'm overreacting. I smile at that.

The train ride makes me uncomfortable. I check my pockets but there's nothing on them, just the train ticket and my taser gun, in case someone tries to attack me. I take a deep breath; I don't want to freak out in front of all these people. _Relax Ana, be calm._ Walking to the platform I stumble two times with my own feet, today I'm clumsier than ever. Maybe I should've taken a cab to the hospital, but no. I want to save every penny while Teddy's away. When he comes back we'll have a wonderful vacation, just the two of us. Thinking about my little one makes me happy. _Yes, we'll have some great days, there's no doubt._

I'm waiting for the train of 8.15 am. The ride should take about 25 minutes and I'm supposed to be at the hospital at 9 am. The train stops and the doors open. I don't know why but I hesitate for a moment before going in and then I stumble another time almost dropping my Greenberg's Neurosurgery book on top of an innocent passenger's head. Luckily I grab it but no without screaming first:

"Watch out!" Then I quickly apologize. "I'm sorry, it slip"

"Don't worry," he answers dryly… but that voice, I know that voice.

_Wow wow wow, stop Ana, it can be. _I feel my legs shaking while I walk further on the train, but still trying to see him. _Oh god, breathe Ana!_ It's impossible. He looks like him, but no, it can't be him. Christian? Well… to begin with… he looks sober, not like a devastated drug addict as Jack told me. He seems to stare at me. Maybe it was my face when I saw him. _Please Ana, put yourself together._

No! I need to see him closer to know if it's really him. Maybe he _is _a good man on his way to work this morning, just like me and Jack has exaggerated. But how can I do it. _God help me please, I need to know if he's Christian._

I smile to myself; god has always been good to me, even in the worst times. The woman sitting in front of him stands up to leave, so I stealthily take her seat. Thank you god! Once I'm seated I completely ignore him. I don't want him to think I'm crazy because maybe it isn't Christian, my Christian, my love… or maybe he is. He also seems interested in me. _Play it cool Ana, come on, you've practiced indifference for years, now try to get the best of it after all that rehearsal._

I pretend to read my neurosurgery book, but my mind is far away from those words. I look up and our eyes meet for a second. Oh god it's him, and he has definitely recognized me. _Breathe Ana, please breathe_. I could never forget those eyes, older and more tired, just like mine, full of longing, yes, those grey eyes are his. _What do I do now?_

I feel a stab in my stomach and the tears fighting to fall from my eyes. Christian, my lost boy, his eyes are my Teddy's eyes, and he doesn't even know he exists. I look through the window trying to avoid his stare.

With my eyes fixed on my book, my mind goes to the day Christian arrived to the orphanage in Washington. I must have been 5 and he 8 or 9 years old. He was hurt all over; there was no doubt that he had been beat a lot. He was a dirty little boy. He didn't look his age and he didn't even speak. I have that memory ingrained in my mind. His sad look broke my heart and I was just 5 years old. It's the same look I've just saw, and my heart is broken all over again.

I was the little doctor of the place back then. Mrs. Grace had given me the medicine bag, and without thinking it twice I run for it. He had a nasty wound in his lip and another in his eyebrow. That poor child must have been beaten with so much rage. My acts in that moment were almost instinctual and I didn't think about the risks.

Once I was back I opened the medicine bag, took some cotton and soak it in alcohol. Then I reach the cotton to his face, but before I could touch him, he hit me and pushed me away. In hindsight maybe I should've left, I don't know. When you are a kid, your emotions are pure and unconditional. I didn't care about that blow. I stood up and went to him again. Then I told him:

"Hi, you are Christian right? I'm Anastasia and that's an ugly wound. You are going to stain the new clothes they're giving you, so you have to let me clean it, okay?" The boy being taller than me, nodded his head, and stood very still.

Sometime later I found out that his father had stabbed his mother to death and the kid had seen it all. The man was so high and drunk that he tried to bury him with his mother in the room they were living. But Christian resisted so his father beat him unceasingly. The neighbors heard it all and the police brought him to the orphanage.

I was just a little girl, but in that moment I was stronger than Christian, maybe even stronger than myself today. I cleaned his wounds. I cleaned his hands. And he didn't say anything. He just watched me with scared eyes… my Teddy's eyes.

And just as I'm remembering the man in front of me touches a scar over his lip, it's like he's reading my thoughts. There's no doubt that it's him, so now what do I do? He doesn't look like a desperate drug addict that will leave me in misery after selling all my stuff for drugs…or maybe he is. Maybe he's recovered… maybe. But it's been so many years. He'll never forgive me that I didn't tell him about Teddy. My heart feels tight and I am devastated.

I fidget in my seat and I'm conscious that he's watching my every move, just like when he arrived to the orphanage. Since the first day we were partners in silence. I never needed to say anything, he was my friend. Together we ran away to go to the zoo because I wanted to see the monkeys. I giggled… I had forgotten how mischievous and risky we were. Mrs. Grace punished us for a week without talking to each other. But she didn't know that we understood each other in silence. We didn't need words, just our looks… maybe that's why I know that those are his eyes.

I remember the first time we kissed. We were in the backyard at the orphanage; it was a cold night, as always. I was sad because Jack had told me some ugly things… but I don't remember what it was now. Christian arrived with a blanket and covered both of us. Without saying a word he kissed my tears and touched my face, and carefully brought his lips to mine. It was magical. I think it was then that I understood that Christian Grey was my whole universe, the boy I had known forever. My friend, my partner… my love. Thinking about that moment makes me blush. _Oh no please, I have to put myself together!_ I take a deep breath but the air is full of his scent. I'm lost.

_Ana you have to be cold and practical. You decided to pull that man out of your life because he was going to be a bad influence for Teddy. He's a drug addict Ana, a man unable to control himself. _Now I sound like Jack, but it's true. When I walked away from Christian I did it knowing the risks, all of them, I can't back out now and risk my son's safety. How much longer for my station? I look at my watch distracted and feel his stare all over me. I thought I was over him, that I was immune to his eyes, but clearly I was wrong, probably that's why I erased him from my life.

Thank god there's not much longer. Just a few more minutes and this will be all a bad dream. I take another deep breath and turn the corner of my book's page, as if I had actually read something. Ok, it's almost over. Suddenly as a storm, the crudest words I've ever heard emerged trampled from his perfect mouth:

"Hi, do you remember me? I'm Christian; it's been so long,"

God, now I'm fucked. _Focus Ana, focus. He's not your Christian anymore; he's a stranger man that will take your son away. Yes, Teddy, think about him, this will chrush him._ Ok, he can't know about Teddy, at least not that it's his son. Do I want him back in my life? _God, yes! No!, No, not now, not ver_. So I just smile like I didn't understand; I've become a very good liar.

He doesn't give up and tries again: "I'm Christian, Christian Grey, from the orphanage? In Washington?"

It hurts so much to see the need in his eyes. The need of what? Me? The need of what we used to be? I don't know how to answer or what to tell him. I just know that I don't want him near us. It's been years trying to build myself up from scratches. Jack's been the only one with me, staying with me unconditionally, even in my worst time. No, it can happen.

I break the silence with a confuse sigh, he seems to breathe with me, just like he did when we love each other:

"I'm sorry mister but you mistook me for someone else."

I try to put a smile that doesn't reach my eyes and hiding my shaking hands, I open my book. I'm not going to be able to leave on the next station. I'll probably pass out.

I stupidly think that he's going to buy it… As if I didn't know this man in front of me… I probably know him better than anyone… and he tries again:

"Sorry, but aren't you Anastasia Steele?"

He's always been like this, head on, asking everything of me and giving himself wholly. I know I have to lie again. I don't know how I do it, but I pull strength from somewhere and say the cruelest words I've ever said :

"No mister, you clearly mistook me for someone else. If you'll excuse me I have to go back to my studies."

Trying to avoid the tears in my eyes, I look down at my books and can feel how the man in front of me crumbles, and how his heart breaks in million pieces once more. And again because of me.

I don't know how many stations have gone by, clearly I lost mine and I'm ready to get to the last one without moving. I wouldn't have been able to leave anyway. They pain has me paralyzed. Finally Christian gets up. What a magnificent view, even hurt and sad, he's still the most handsome man I've ever seen. I don't look at him anymore, I can't. Good bye Christian.


	4. Inventory

**Chapter 3: Inventory**

**AN: Ana and Christian belong to E.L. James, the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

We are naked in the attic at the orphanage on and old mattress that Mrs. Grace discarded probably because the springs come out of it without mercy. This wasn't improvised, this was a decision we made knowing that we are going to be together forever. Christian stole candles, matches and a sardine can from the pantry. I took some clean sheets from the linen closet and with my money bought a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread. That night had to be special. We never knew, till that moment, that the attic was the warmest place in the orphanage, even in the cold winter nights of Washington.

We were quiet that afternoon. Mrs. Grace thought that we had fought and didn't push us when we went to bed without dinner.

Christian left first and quietly went up to the attic; me, just like a bride, put on mi nightie, brushed my dark and long hair, and waited for everybody to fall asleep. Then I went up. Christian had everything ready. There was a flower over our improvised bed. How did he get it in this awful weather? My eyes got stuck on the flower and I stood still. Christian watched me with a mix of insecurity and anxiety.

"Ana you look beautiful. You look like an angel." I blush, and even though everything is in shadows I know he noticed the change on my skin and my breathing.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I nod slowly and quietly.

This is new for me but not for Christian. It was obvious that such a handsome boy wasn't going to stay virgin till 17. Christian had had many _girlfriends_ and I respected that, because we were just friends. But I instead, only had him. And while Christian was running behind wayward teenagers, I rather stayed reading and then I would laugh with him about his adventures.

But this was different. We'd been together for months and even sometimes we had been about to lose our minds, enveloped in each other's arms. But Christian always stopped us; he wanted everything to be perfect. And now, here we were, shaking and fully dressed, without knowing how to move on.

I take a step forward, grab the bottle of wine and take a long drink, hoping it will calm my shaking legs. Then I offer the bottle to Christian, but when I look into his eyes, something has changed. They are dark now, and desire surrounds us; the air is thicker and our breathing shallow. In just a second he takes of his shirt and stays only with his jeans. My breath quickens. This man is gorgeous and I'm just Ana.

He takes the bottle form my hand and gently puts it on the floor, the he pulls me closer. He's barely touching me with his fingertips, but my body is burning in an unknown way. I feel goose bumps all over me when my nipples, still covered by my nightie, touch Christian chest. He notices and slowly pulls my nightie of, till it falls on the floor. I'm naked in front of him and he looks at me like an experienced man. But I'm not afraid that he's more experienced than me, I rather like that.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."

I feel my body blushing almost to the boiling point. I sigh trying to control my shaking and he kisses me. Slowly and making it more urgent little by little. I'm so clumsy that I don't know what to do with my hands. They are fluttering meaningless around his body. But Christian solves that for me putting them on his chest, over his heart that's beating wildly.

With an arm around me, he lays me on the mattress, moving the flower with his other hand, so it doesn't hurt my skin. Then he stands up and I swallow loudly because I know what's coming. Right in front of me and without any shame, he unzips his pants and frees his erection. I don't know if I'm scared or in wonder. Then he takes a little square from his pocket, opens it and puts on a condom.

"Don't worry baby, we are going to go slow, the first time can hurt a little, but I'm going to be careful"

He kisses me, his tongue is in my mouth and I can barely breathe, I feel like my whole body is nothing more than water and smoke. His warm hand moves to my thighs and he gently spreads my legs. Then he touches me softly and licks his fingers that taste like me.

"Are you ready…?"

I can only moan. I don't know what it is, I guess its instinct, but I need him inside of me now, so I arch my body looking for his.

"Here we go, just relax."

I feel how his penis is slowly making its way into my body. Christian doesn't stop kissing me, touching me and telling me how beautiful and perfect I am. I don't feel pain but I do feel a fire that burns me. Whatever it is I want it all and I want it now. Christian pounds on me faster and I feel like I'm in another planet. The rhythm is quicker and something starts to pull in my body, it's a wildness abandon I cannot control until I feel my whole body bursts while Christian silences my cry of pleasure with a kiss.

-oOo-

Fuck! I need to be close to that man. I stand up and defying my clumsiness get off the train and hide. I need to look at the full picture before acting. Jack has been very clear to me; Christian is lost, drowned in his addiction, weak. I hide behind a post. He looks bewildered, like looking for someone in the platform. Maybe he noticed I got off the train. My pulse quickens and I just relax when he starts walking.

I still doubt. Should I follow him? I could regret this for the rest of my life. But then, I remember when he kissed me and it's as if my lips have never belonged to anyone but him. In my heart I know that I've just been his, but I also know that I have to think in more than my happiness... although maybe _it is_ time to think about me.

My phone rings but I don't answer. If it is the hospital they can screw themselves. I can be late once in a lifetime, wright? Besides my phone it's in the bottom of my bag, and I'm not going to open it here.

I watch Christian going down stairs and then walking up north through a very busy street. Without giving it another thought I go running behind him; I don't want to lose him from my sight. Maybe this is the only chance I have to know what has happened with the father of my child.

Christian walks decided but without rush. He knows where he's going. Maybe he's going to buy some drugs or he has a hot date. That last thought disturbs me more than the drugs. I follow from afar but he is always on my sight. I'm wearing a beanie and zipped the top of my coat trying to hide my face. God, he's such a handsome man, he so beautiful that it hurts.

I remember that the girls at the orphanage and from our street were all crazy about him. Even the girl from the store looked at him with lustful eyes. But he just had eyes for me… and I left him.

How much is he going to walk? This is a commercial district, but I don't remember ever being here. There are a lot of food stores and some other things. It's like a small town in the middle of this big city. Suddenly he stops, as if he knows he's being follow, I stop and hide on a newspaper's stand and buy the paper, while he looks around. He shrugs and keeps walking. _Shit! He almost caught me. _He must have felt my anxiety. _Calm down Ana._

I keep following him. _Ana you can leave,_ says my subconscious, but I shut it. I better keep going. I need to keep going. I couldn't leave with just this memory, not now.

A couple of feet further Christian stops in front of business door, it looks like a bar, but it's closed. He checks his body looking for something he can't find. I wish so bad that those were my hands. _Ana focus or he's going to see you. _He takes his phone and calls someone. I look for a place where I can watch without being noticed and I see a coffee shop. While I walk towards the shop I hear him talking.

"Elliot, it's Christian. I left my keys at home. Are you gonna be here soon? Don't fuck with me, would you? I should have stayed in bed today but I'm already here, waiting for you to help you with the inventory. Yeah, ok I'll relax. I'm going for a coffee while you get here."

He finishes his call and I'm already seated on a table far away from his sight. A kid comes to take my order.

"Are you OK?" I nod. "What can I get you", the kid smiles with sympathy. I don't know what's on my face that inspires pity.

"A tea please, Twinning English breakfast if you have it and a donut". "OK, English breakfast and a donut for the lady" he says.

I've just ordered when I hear the door. It's Christian. Thank god I bought the paper so I can hide behind it, although my shaking hands are going to give me away.

An older women greets him, her face looks familiar.

"Christian, it's early and you're already working? If Elliot keeps pushing you this hard he's going to end up killing you!"

"Don't worry my dear Grace, I'll be fine. You know how clumsy Elli is for the numbers, so I came early to help him with the inventory mess."

"You've always had a big heart". She's going to touch him, but hi flinches. "Sorry dear, will your take the same as always?" Her voice has changed and she seems tired.

Oh my god! I know that woman. It's Mrs. Grace, from the orphanage. My world it's spinning and when it stops I put down the paper so I can look at her and I'm certain it's her. Christian grabs his coffee and a paper bag, probably with a sandwich, and leaves. He sits on the bar entry and drinks slowly. I don't tear my eyes away from him, checking every movement. When he greeted Grace he took his gloves. He doesn't have a wedding ring; that was a relieved.

I look at my hand; I don't have a ring either. I'm looking at my hand when the kid comes back with more water.

"More tea?" I nod and he fills my cup.

I just remember that my phone was ringing so I tried to find it in my purse. I check my lost calls. I have two from Teddy, three from Jack and five from the hospital. It's nearly 10 am. I also have a mail form Teddy.

To: Anastasia Steele

From: Teddy Steele

Subject: Mommy where are you?

Mommy I've been calling you at home and the hospital but you're not there. You don't answer your cell phone. Are you OK? Gramps and I are worried and uncle Jack doesn't know about you either.

You know I don't like it when I can't find you mommy. Please tell me you're OK.

I love you,

Teddy

My baby boy is worried. I can't do that to him. Probably that's why I have all these calls. Y press answer.

To: Teddy Steele

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Re: Where are you mommy?

Sweetheart, I have troubles with my cell phone and I'm running some errands this morning. I'll call you as soon as I get to the hospital. Don't get scared, mommy is fine and loves you, as always.

A bear hug,

Mommy

I push send and see Christian standing up to greet a guy a little older than him, and stronger and bigger than him. He hugs him friendly and pats his back. Christian tells him something and now the other guy really hugs him. They get in the bar together and close the door, leaving me alone, in the middle of all the people that are coming into the coffee shop.

I ask the check to leave, but when I get up my body betrays me and I fall. I get up quickly so Mrs. Grace won't see me. I can't, I can't get out from here alone so I make a call.

"Hi Mia, where are you?"

"What's wrong Ana' are you crying?"

"I've seen him. Can you come pick me up?"

"OK, calm down, text me the address. I'm on my way"

I just realized I'm crying. I hide in a corner and see Christian going in and out of the bar with boxes, carrying some papers, while the other guy screams about some numbers at him. I look at them from my hiding place, until Mia's fancy car shows up.

"Couldn't you pick a more inconspicuous car Mia?"

"Well I didn't know you were going to be here. Where to now, the hospital?"

"No, call Kate on speaker, I need a drink"

"At 11 am?" Her voice sounds alarmed and it's because I'm not like that, but I need it this time.

The pone rings and I start crying

"Hey, what's up?" says Kate. I'm not able to answer

"I don't know for sure, Ana can't stop crying. Let's meet in the bar at the Hilton in half an hour?"

"I'll be there!"


	5. Forfetting

**Chapter 4: Forgetting**

**Disclaimer: Ana and Christian belong to E.L. James, the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

"Ana, would you calm down? This is your third drink and you haven't said a word yet!" Kate doesn't have Mia's patience, she really doesn't. And I haven't been able to say one word since I got in the car.

I've known the girls for two years. First there was Kate with an air of an all-knowing woman. We met in college and we've been friends since then. I met Mia a little later; I was her tutor in Med School. So now here we are, three gorgeous women, the three MD and unable to heal our own lives. Actually that just applies to me.

I know it's time to talk but I don't know where to start, so I take a deep breath and let it all out.

"I saw Christian today on the train. He recognized me and I told him he was wrong… but then I followed him to a place where I think he works."

My two Friends are looking at me speechless and with mouth hanging open. They are just as shocked as me; I guess they weren't expecting this. Kate's communicative spirit makes her react first:

"Hold on a minute Ana, you mean Christian Grey, the drug addict, Teddy's father?" I nod. "Was he high that he believed you that you weren't you?"

"I don't know Kate… I simply denied it with all I have. He looked so broken when I told him. I think he didn't insist so I wouldn't think of him as crazy."

"Does Jack know?" asks Alice. "No, you're the only ones I've told, and Mia, Jack can't know. He has been telling me for years that Christian is a hopeless drug addict, but that doesn't match with the man I saw today."

"Are you doubting of Jack" Kate asks. She's never trusted him and I catch a hint of irony in her question.

"I'm not saying I don't trust him. It's just that what he has told me doesn't match with what I've seen today. He was a man like any other, taking the train to his workplace."

"Ana, darling, when I went to pick you up you were in really bad shape. What Happened? Did he say something else to you?"

I'm not able to express what I feel right away. But I do know what's hurting me, and it's so deep and so true that I can't ignore it anymore.

"He just asked me if I remembered him and the problem it's not if I remember him it's that I can't forget him. I've never forgotten how he made me feel, how he looked at me, how he kissed me…"

I can't talk anymore, my eyes are drowning in tears again till they finally fall and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I'm sad but relieved. Kate says something about men and tears. I'm not paying attention, I just wish for Christian to hold me.

"Ana relax; we are with you on this. Kate and I will be behind you, like we always have. You are not 15 anymore and you are not alone in this." Mia sweetly strokes my hands as she talks.

"Ana, dear, everything in its own measure" says Kate, always pragmatic. "In a way you have been hiding from him for nine years, because you knew this was going to happen. Every relationship you've had has ended badly because of the ghost of one man: Christian Grey. If you ask me, I know you haven't forgotten him, so go find him. You need closure so you can finally start over. You've been watching your life flash before your eyes for too long."

"Oh Kate, I'm not so sure about that" says Mia. "Ana has suffered a lot trying to take that man out of her life, and now, just when she was about to make it…"

"Oh, come on Mia! Ana was far from making it; she's barely deluding herself with that ass kisser of Jack."

"At least she had decided to give him a chance. That's something!"

I hear them talking about me as if I'm not here, and in a way I found it kind of healing. They're honest about what they think and say their points of view openly. Mia thinks I should forget about this and move on with my life. Kate, always curious, thinks I should find out what's Christian doing, what's been going on with his life and face him. She's not so sure of telling him about Teddy, neither am I.

Suddenly they stop talking and look at me.

"What happens" I ask puzzled.

"Tell us right now what you were thinking" says Mia.

"Ana you were smiling, and looking far away. Would you tell us? What were you thinking about?"

I lose all the color thinking about an explanation. I gulp and drink more wine before answering. After all, these two women have saved my life more than once and they deserve to know everything from the beginning.

—

"When we were still in the orphanage, Christian was my whole world. I never wanted for anything because if I needed something, Christian would give it to me. Since that sad and beaten boy came into my life it was always like that. With those grey eyes, the same my son has.

Christian and I had kissed once, after a fight I had with Jack, but we spent a lot of days without talking about it. At that time, Christian was dating a girl from our street, she was older than him.

I didn't know what to think about our kiss. Clearly it hadn't been brotherly kiss, it hadn't been innocent. That kiss had been full with years of caring and worrying. But I wasn't going to be the first to talk, and he still was dating that girl.

I draw away from him those days. I didn't want to be alone with him so I got closer to Jack, but he misinterpreted that as the result of our previous fight and make up. He wasn't a fool and he didn't ask questions.

On the other side, Christian was cranky, which draw me further away from him. God, at those times I would have given everything to know what he was thinking. I started to feel afraid of the man I saw at the other side of the table, angry, dark. I thought he was regretting our kiss and thinking it was a mistake.

And of course it was a mistake. I was a gangly bird, and he was strong and beautiful. We weren't equals in our relationship. I was way below him. Skinny and gangly… it just couldn't be and the truth of that hurt me more than spending a Christmas without gifts."

—

I smile swiftly— I know they have their eyes fixed on me.

—

When I realized of what I felt about him, I decided I wasn't going to lose the man I loved and that I rather had him as a friend than losing him forever. So I waited for everyone to fall asleep and slipped in the boy's room, where Christian and Jack slept. I went to Christian's bed and with a heart full of anxiety and fear, I talk to him. "Christian we need to talk; we can't keep going like this." But he didn't answer, so I shook him but all I grabbed was his pillow dressed in his pajamas. I don't know what I felt at that moment, anger, jealousy, shame, despair, a little bit of everything. I left to go back to my room but just walking out I sat hugging my knees and began to cry, just like when I was little. He wasn't there— he wasn't going to be there anymore.

He found me like that, crying and thinking he wasn't going to come back. He knelt in front of me and took my face in his hands, carefully, and dried my tears with his thumbs.

"What's wrong Ana, why are you crying?" he asked while I held him tightly.

"I thought you had left forever and I was sad because I didn't get to apologized with you."

He stood up to look at me. "Apologized for what beautiful? It's me who should apologize for my behaving these days…"

"No Christian, it's me. The truth it's I shouldn't have… we shouldn't have… I don't want things to change between us. We've always been best friends… and…" I felt his body stiffen.

"I get it— you don't want anything to do me." His eyes were so sad. It was as if I had told him someone had died. I couldn't understand the look in his eyes.

"Yes… no, don't confuse me Christian"

"I'm confusing you?" His voice was hoarse, very seductive, and his eyes were shining in the dark. He was so mercurial.

"Don't be cruel with me" I whispered.

"Cruel? Me? Fuck Ana! Who was the one that ran away from me as soon as she could?" Now I was really confused. So many years of looking at each other and understanding everything, and now we were both talking different languages.

"I didn't run away from you!"

"You avoided me for days!"

"Because you were going out with someone else and I didn't want you to feel pressured!"

"Nobody pressures me Ana." Then I had that horrible feeling when you feel you are getting nowhere. I felt like we weren't going to solve our fight that night. Maybe never. I kept quiet; he had won our last match, so I took a step back, dried my tears and said:

"I'm glad then" and started to walk back to my room, but he stopped me, and just like on TV, he grabbed my elbow, I tried to move anyway but I couldn't. Suddenly he let go and in a whisper said:

"Don't leave me, please. I need you close. These days without you have been cold and dark." I gulped. _What is he trying to do?_ I thought. My heart was beating a thousand times an hour, it was so strong I thought even Christian could hear it. "In my world there's no one but you, I love you Anastasia."

—

Once I finished Mia and Kate are shocked with my story, I just stay quiet and look at them. The air changes, they're not fighting, they seem waiting for something. This time Mia is the first to talk.

"You never told me that, did she tell you Kate?"

"No, never"

"What happened then? Did you tell him you loved him?" Mia's always the hopeless romantic.

"I don't know if I want to talk about that"

"But that's what made you smile right? So I won't take no for an answer. What happened then?" Asks Kate, and as always she's right.

"Ok, yes, that's why I was smiling, it was the first of many things, the first time he told me he loved me, the first time he asked me not to leave him, the next one didn't have a happy ending…"

—

When he let go of my elbow, his hand fell till mine and I grabbed it hard. The he hugged me and rested his forehead in mine with his eyes closed. I could feel his warm breath, his smell… he had drank.

"Christian, look at me, have you been drinking?" he didn't answer. "You know what; I don't need you to tell me, you smell like alcohol. Tell me why!" The man in front of me, beautiful and lost, straightened his head and without a hint of self-pity, he said: "Because my life is shit without you. I need to know if you love me back, but please don't feel pressured. If you don't, I'll learn to live with that."

"Nobody pressures me Grey and least of all a drunk man". _Touché. _ The story of his life flashed in front of his eyes, his drunken father killing his mother, I knew it, and I also knew that he didn't like it. I was angry with him, but the truth is that I loved him with everything I had. It was his time to leave now, and mine to stop him, but I didn't have his strength so I just said:

"Yes I do love you, but I won't kiss you tonight, or any other night that you reek of alcohol."

Then I kissed his forehead and went to sleep. End of story."

—

"You bitch!" Screams Kate. "Poor boy, he was in drunk because of you!"

"It was what I had to do. I was a little bitch of 14 years old and had very clear what I didn't want for the man I loved."

I really was like that. I didn't want a drunken man and to repeat his parent's history. His poor mother didn't even have the beautiful coffin that she wanted. Her body was donated to science because nobody had money to pay for her funeral. No, I didn't want that for us. We had to get out of there, be someone.

For a couple of minutes I remember that night, when Christian walked me to door. I felt so grown up, mature. The opposite of how I feel right now, dejected, confused and small.

No, I can't forget what I felt that night, that wonderful feeling that we could do anything, that all was in our hands. Yes, I need to finish this story, I need to found him, see that he truly is a hopeless drug addict, convince me of it, so I can finally leave the pain behind, forget and move forward.

"It's decided. I'll go find him."


	6. An inconvenience

**Chapter 5: An inconvenience**

**Disclaimer: Ana and Christian belong to E.L. James, but the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

I'm in the middle of my living room, with a giant box of tissues in one side and a trashcan in the other. And right in front of me there's a box that has all my memories, all my past. I've decided to go find him, but first, I need to remember why I pushed him away. Maybe it's just my need to hate him again, and stop shaking every time I think about those grey eyes.

I read a few letters that he wrote me when we were together. I also found Teddy's first sonogram… I remember the first time I knew, when I ran away from him.

I hear the outside gate open and I can see Jack's car coming in. I closed the box quickly and put it away, hide the trashcan and run to the bathroom to wash my face. If he notices I cried I will have to tell him more than I can right now.

I curse Jack for coming without calling. I curse the day I decided to give him keys to my house. I huff… I really needed to go out and think, find him. Finally I put a fake smile on my face, sit on the couch and take a heavy book of medicine, putting the perfect scene for this inconvenience.

"Can you tell me where the hell have you been?"

This is just what I needed; an idiot reproaching me when he is nothing but a guest in my life. He doesn't understand.

"Hello Ana, are you ok, I've been worried about you… Don't you think that's a nicer way to come into my home? This wasn't a good day."

"Well, this wasn't a good day for me either. Especially after Teddy called me worried because he couldn't find you. After calling to the hospital to found out you didn't make it and that you excuse of going today. And, after calling you several times none of which you answered. You really think you had a bad day?"

"If you are here to reproach me because I didn't pick up my phone, then you can leave. I'm a grown woman and I don't need a babysitter to take care of me."

I know I should've answered his calls, or at least text him, but today wasn't the day to treat me like that. Men should have a crystal ball so they don't screw up so much. Jack stood still but his eyes move around looking for something. A clue maybe, or someone, but there's just me, alone, with a book on my hands trying to stay calm. After he scans everything, even my thoughts, he found the trashcan I had hidden and took it out. He sat in front of me with a softer look.

"What's wrong beautiful? Why have you been crying? Are you alright?"

"It's nothing Jack…" but he knew something was going on so he insisted.

"Come on baby, I know you don't cry just because. It's clear that something happened that made you leave everything today and just come home to cry."

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, he's right, and second, he won't rest until I tell him what's going on. I have to think about something that will convince him. There's no way I can tell him the truth. And even if I told him, I'm sure he'll lie to me again, because I'm certain the story of Christian "the lost drug addict" has been a lie so I won't go looking for him.

At the end, my excuse it's the easiest one. I look at the side table and see a picture of Teddy and his beautiful little face. He looks just like his father at his age. Now I know what to do.

"Please Jack; I don't want to talk about it." But he sees me looking longingly at my son's picture.

"It's because of Teddy, right?" he asks surprised. He has never understood the bond between a mother and her child. Sometimes I even feel that it's painful for him.

"What else. Look, I know you don't understand the bond between us, but don't ask me not to miss him. When I woke up today, I felt extremely lonely. I missed his little steps, his games, and his voice. I cried and cursed for letting him go with my dad. Then I understood it wasn't fair for him to stay here when I couldn't. But it made me sad anyway, so I called Kate and Mia, and we went for lunch and they let me cry. Then Mia brought me home and when I felt better I resume my studies for tomorrow."

"Why didn't you answer your phone? Why didn't you call me?"

"Because you don't understand what I feel and you don't want to."

"But I'm your boyfriend…"

"No, you are not my boyfriend. Make no mistake Jack. We have been friends for a long time, and have had some sexual encounters, but it's just that, friendship and sex."

"Fuck Ana! I hate it when you talk like that. This is more than just sex, we care for each other, we shared our days, we talk, and we laugh. I love you and I love Teddy…"

"But I don't love you. At least not the way you want me to."

Jack was beside himself. "How long are you going to keep crying for a man that doesn't exist? Who is trapped with the drugs, lost, probably has been in and out of rehab. Stop it Ana, Christian didn't deserve you, he didn't love you. He wasn't able to change for you when I asked him to. How many times do I have to tell you this?"

I want to scream so badly that I saw him; that he's not what he says, but that would ruin my plans. My chest tightens and holding my tears I scream:

"You don't need to rub it in my face. It's enough seeing his eyes everyday on my son's face."

My voice cracks and Jack's eyes soften again. He can't stand to see me cry. He comes close to me. I know what he wants but not tonight, he can't touch me tonight because I can only think of Christian. Even though it's not the first time it would happen, I don't like it.

"Ana, baby, I'm sorry."

He kisses me protectively on the forehead. But I don't trust him today. There's a piece missing in this story, I know it. I let him kiss my eyes, but when he tries to get to my lips I stop him.

"No Jack, not tonight."

"You know I'm here for you, like I've always have. Since you arrived to the orphanage. I held you every time you fought with Christian. When you were adopted and you didn't know your place in your new family. When you found out that asshole had got you pregnant. I was there when you left him, when you were alone and confused. I've always, always been with you. I've taken care of you and waited like nobody would, but I think you can appreciate what I've done for you."

"No Jack, I appreciate it, I really do…"

"No baby. Any other woman would have kissed me already. But you forget what you are. You forget that your handsome ex-boyfriend didn't want to change his life for you because you weren't worth it. But I never care about that, I never mind that you are little more than a wreck; that your body is bland and your face is not that pretty. I didn't even care about your clumsiness, because what matters to me it's what's inside you. Your need to be taken care of, but if you don't want me anymore…"

"No Jack, please don't talk like that. I know what I am. I look at myself in the mirror every morning. I know no one else would want me, I'm sorry. But you know you are my friend, my best friend and not my boyfriend?"

"I don't want to be your boyfriend Ana, but I want something else…"

Then I felt Jack's claws all over my body. Sex with him wasn't bad, but even though I didn't want him to touch me tonight, everything change. Because it's his move. He reminds me how insignificant I am and how wonderful he is for waiting for me all these years. Then I ended up convinced that I needed to repay him and the only way was with sex. But tonight there was going to be other man in my mind. I smile when I think about him.

Suddenly he takes me in his arms, takes off my sweatpants and my t-shirt and leaves me standing only in my panties. He takes his own clothes quickly and pulls out a condom. He gives it to me to put it on him and I obey. Despite Jack's rush, I'm not that turn on and I'm not lubricated enough. Jack thrusts his fingers on me and when he notices he takes a step back. I drop my eyes, but he forces me to look at him. He mumbles something that sound like he hates a dry pussy and frigid women. He then takes my face and sticks his tongue in my mouth wildly. He claims me as his own, although he knows that I'm not. I answer as best I can, but Christian is still in my head. He thrusts his fingers on me again and to my regret I began to lubricate. He smiles, laughs and slaps me on the face. _What's wrong with this asshole!_ He laughs again and without notice he fucks me against the wall.

I close my eyes and think of Christian, one, two, three, four thrusts. I'm sure I won't reach an orgasm and I'm will have to fake it. After what he's done I'm afraid he'll hit me again. Five, six, I feel his body tensing and starting to shake, he is reaching his climax. Then I scream and fake an orgasm. I hope this keeps him satisfy and will make him leave. He hit me. This asshole, this inconvenience, has hit me and my cheek hurts. Jack grunts hoarsely and I know he made it. He lets me go quickly and goes to the bathroom; I instead, confused and with my cheek burning, pick up my clothes and lock myself in my room. I don't want to see him once he finishes his shower.

I lock the door, close the shades and turn up the TV very loud. I run to my bathroom and look at the mirror. My face looks horrible and my left cheek is red. I'm so angry, how could he do this to me! I get in the shower furious… I need to wash him off of me. I need to take Jack out of my skin. I don't want him, I don't need him. I don't care if he goes away.

I hear him knocking at my door; he probably wants to come in. I need to change all the locks in the house, because taking away his keys is going to be impossible.

I get of the shower and hear him again.

"Leave Jack, I don't want to talk to you, what you did…"

"I know baby, please forgive me, I don't know what happen to me."

"Please leave, I can't deal with this today."

"Ana, please…"

"Leave!"

"Whatever!"

I hear him bang the door and then the tires of his car screeching out of the house. I'm sure he is mad but I don't care. Who does he think he is? Nobody had ever hit me. Not even my father when he knew I was pregnant. Maybe it was the heat of the moment, it must have been that. I laugh; maybe it was something he saw on a movie, he's probably into BDSM now. But that's not my thing. I hate pain, I don't understand it. I put on my pajamas and open the door of my room. After checking he's really gone I go to the front door and lock it, I don't want unexpected guest during the night. I go to the kitchen and grab a glass of milk… I haven't eaten since lunch with the girls.

I go back to the living room and set the alarm. A woman alone it's an easy target everywhere, it doesn't matter if she is beautiful or a mess like me, so I don't spare money in the pursuit of a peaceful life. I check the cameras in the yard, everything looks good.

After checking everything a couple of times I go back to bed a lot calmer. I close my eyes willing to sleep, but everything that happened this morning flashes in my eyes… Christian, my Christian, his eyes, his skin, his hands… he looks stronger, his muscles, his mouth. Dam you jack! After his little game I'm turn on and unsatisfied. I curse him silently and go back to thinking of Christian I need to know, to see, and little y little I feel sleep coming for me while his smile it's burned on my mind.


	7. I need to see him

**Chapter 6: I need to see him**

**Disclaimer: Ana and Christian belong to E.L. James, the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

I'm standing alone at the train station closest to the hospital. I don't know what I'm doing here, all I know is that no matter how hard I try, I can't make my feet move. It's like they have been nailed to the floor. The time goes just like the trains, one after the other. I see the passengers getting out, some of them stay on the platform, but none of them notices me. Suddenly I see Christian. He walks right beside me and I tried to hide from him, but I can't. He stops and faces me, he gives me his hand as if asking me to follow him, but I know my feet are glued to the floor. I extend my hand trying to reach him, calm and confident, because I know I won't move, but to my surprise, once I touch his fingers, my feet are free and he pulls me to him, hugging me just like when we were a couple of teenagers in love. His lips come close to mine, I close my eyes, but nothing happens. When I open them, I'm alone in the middle of the train station.

-oOo-

Oh god! My head. I recall that I got very little sleep and a lot of crying. I cried for Christian, for Jack and for me. The good thing is that finally, I'm certain of something. I need to know who the man I saw on the train is. I need to know what has happened to the man I once was madly in love with, and that I pushed away without an explanation.

The phone startles me and I answer quickly… who would be calling at this hour?

"Hi mommy. Are you still sleeping?"

"Teddy, sweetheart, no, I was already awake. Is something wrong?"

"No mom, why?"

"Because you never call so early and…"

"It's just that I couldn't talk to you yesterday because your phone wasn't working and I was a little worried about you… I really needed to hear you mommy."

"My sweet boy! I'm sorry for worrying you, but I couldn't get my phone fixed. When I got home last night I switched to the older one so I can take it to the shop this afternoon. So don't worry if I don't pick up your calls, alright?"

"OK mommy."

"Is grandpa with you?"

"No, he's still sleeping. I just wanted to be my voice the first thing you heard this morning."

"Hahaha, I love you Teddy. I have to go get dress for work. I promise you that as soon as my phone is fixed I'll call you. Give a kiss to grandpa for me, ok?"

"Yes mommy. I love you too. Bye!"

My Little boy is so perceptive. It's like he knows when something is wrong with me. Thank god he wasn't here yesterday. I take a deep breath and two pain killers from my night stand. I hope my headache gets better.

I jump out of bed and take a quick shower, I can't take too long or I will be late to the hospital. Once I leave the bathroom I stand naked in front of my closet. I don't know what to wear. I feel like a teenager before a date. _Come on Ana, pick anything, you still don't know if you will see him today_. But my subconscious wins. I want to look stunning in case I do see him. We can be so stupid some time…

Forgetting that I have to walk and take the train, I pick a never used black slack, still with the tag, and some high heels. I put on a sheer blouse, but put a tank top first, I don't want to give my patients a heart attack. I smile at the mirror, despite everything, I look good. I put my hair in a high ponytail and put on some make up. Mascara on my lashes, and some blush on my pale cheeks. I wrap in a beautiful purple coat and pick up my bag. I'm ready to go… _shit! I forgot I have to walk_. Heels will have to wait. I change into running shoes and put the heels in my bag. I need to get to the train alive.

Once at the station, I buy my ticket and check my reflection in the window. Yes, it's me trying to see Christian again. I look at my watch, its 8:15 am, the same time when I saw him yesterday, same car. I take the train and look around. Maybe he's sitting somewhere else. My eyes survey the place slowly, once; twice… he's not here. With my face full of disappointment I take a seat. I can feel the tears coming while my subconscious mocks me, as if two miracles could happen in the same train.

Fine. It wasn't my purpose to find him, but I did dream about it. Finally I take a seat and open my book. I sigh; I wish I could have him sitting in front of me, watching me. Instead, I have a girl of 15 or 16 years old than reminds me of my former self. She's extremely thin and as pale as the moon. She's focus listening her music and looking at the city through the window. I got two more stations to go. One… and it's time. As usual, there are a lot of us that get down in this station. I don't need to move, the people push me and when they stop, I found myself alone in the middle of the platform. It's just like my dream, but this time my feet can move. I smile as I remember that beautiful vision and start walking towards the hospital, but suddenly a hand stops me. My heart skips a beat and I turn quickly; I'm sure it's him.

"Hi, you dropped this on the train" says the girl that was sitting in front of me. I try not to look disappointed and smile but it doesn't reach my eyes.

"Thank you, I didn't notice I had lost it."

"You are welcome. Are you a doctor? I want to be a doctor when I grow up too!"

Her sincere smile touches me and the she starts walking with me to the hospital. In a way I'm thankful for her talk, she's full of questions and that helps me not to think too much. And once I'm at the hospital the time will fly between patients.

This morning is different. When I arrive Kate and Mia are waiting for me at the doctor's lounge. I change my shoes and take off my coat. The girls look at me with their mouth hanging open, they look really funny and don't say anything until another doctor comes in.

"Wow, Dr. Steele, you look good. I've known you for a while and I think I've never seen you like… this"

I blush after hearing him, but the girls come to my rescue.

"Come on Jose, don't exaggerate, it's just the heels" says Kate.

"Yeah… besides, don't you have patients to see?"

The guy seems a little confuse and leaves. I think this was too much. Kate and Mia come closer and I know that the inquisition is coming.

"Ana you are impressive" says Mia.

"What are you trying to do? You can't fool me" says Kate shocking me.

"I'll tell you everything, but let's get out of here. I'll put my lab coat on and then we can go to the cafeteria. "

I feel the eyes of the other doctors on me while we are walking. God, it's like they have never seen a woman put a little bit of effort.

"The vultures are ready to come as soon as you are alone" laughs Mia.

"I don't know what's with all the fuss, really…"

"I think you didn't take a look at the mirror this morning Ana. If you were trying to give a heart attack to the whole floor, you are going to make it. You look stunning. It's been years since… actually I think I've never seen you dressed like this." The wonder in Kate is real.

I think about her words and she's right, it's been a long time since I stopped worrying about myself. I had never worn these pants before; they still had the tag on. The blouse, god, I think I wore it once for a dinner at my parent's. And the shoes… I smile… I like these kind of shoes, I just never wear them. It probably was a successful combination.

We take a seat and the waiter brings us two coffees and a tea for me. He knows us already and I think he has a thing for Kate. Poor guy, he's wasting his time, but I thank his courtesy every time he sees us. Without bothering to pay attention to the guy, Kate turns to me and starts throwing questions.

"OK Ana, now tell us what are you trying to do"

"Nothing, I'm not trying anything. Why would you think that?"

"Come on Ana, we are not stupid. You've never dressed like this. And yesterday you saw the love of your life and the father of your child. Do you expect us to believe that nothing happens?" I know Mia is right and I'll have to tell them my plans.

"God, I can't have secrets with you two. Yesterday was a weird day. In a way, seeing Christian brought me back to life. I know I can't run away forever. And then, Jack came home and… I'm ashamed but I'll tell you..."

"You slept together" says Kate with dislike.

"Yes… but all the time my body and my mind belong to another man…"

"Christian" says Mia. I nod.

"You have to put an end to this Ana, for your own good…"

"And Jack's" finishes Mia.

"And I will. Tonight I'll go find Christian at the bar I saw him last time. I need to know the truth."

-oOo-

The day flies between compliments of the other doctors and curious looks from the nurses. I don't know if they are always like this with other girls or if it's just my change. I smile when I remember all their nice words, especially Jose's. He has always been a good friend, a great colleague, but I never notice anything else from him… till I saw his shock today and his continuous attempts to give me a ride home. Men are so basic… but their behavior makes me think that Christian might feel the same.

Despite both girls insistence of joining me, I decided to go alone to find him. I need to set a lot of things straight and they'll just be an obstacle. But I promised to call them as soon as we finish talking. My throat is tight and I have butterflies in my stomach when the taxi picks me up.

I stayed late at the hospital because I guessed the bar wouldn't be open till 7 pm, and they were very happy to have me at the hospital for a little while. With this weather we were full of respiratory diseases and they have been a little collapsed these days.

Weakly, I tell the address to the driver, he looks surprised but doesn't say anything and quietly goes to our destination. Outside I see people walking faster, because it's colder at night. The traffic makes the car go slow…. God my heart it's beating like a hummingbird.

After an endless ride of about 40 minutes, I get to the bar. The neighborhood looks worst at night. I watch carefully around: Mrs. Grace coffee shop is closed; the street is dark and a bit wet. Ok, here I am and I have two choices. First I go in a clear all this mess or I go home and keep wondering what would have happened if I have found him. I take a deep breath, pay the driver and get out. Shit, it's cold out here; I think a glass of wine will feel good. I walk slowly to the bar. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't a good idea to dress like this… alone in a place like this and with these clothes. God, why didn't I think about it before! I check my coat pocket to see if I'm carrying my taser gun.

Once I enter the bar I feel all the eyes on me. I gulp and try to walk without tripping over, a very hard thing for me. I won't say gracefully but a least I get safely to the bar. I seat on a high stool and a guy comes to take my coat, so I carefully take my taser gun and put it in my bag.

I look around with my heart beating fast, I need to see him, but the place it's a little bit dark. The barman offers me a drink… I would ask for a tea, but they probably don't have it, so I smile and ask for a beer, they probably don't have wine either, or champagne. I've never really like beer, but it's better than any strong liquor. The smell of haggard alcohol makes me think about Christian and his parent's sad story and, and my heart tightens.

No, I definitely don't see him. Maybe he doesn't work here. I don't see the man he was talking with either. I drink my beer to avoid suspicion. It's been one… two hours and there's no Christian. I need to think what to do now, I was such a fool. _Why did I lie to him yesterday? Why didn't I tell him it was me? That I remember him_; _that I never forgot about him_. _How could I be so stupid?_ I thought I would find him today, but there's nothing here but drunken old men.

I look at my watch; I'll wait thirty more minutes. Maybe he has the midnight shift. That's my last hope.

It's been 10, 15, 20, 25 minutes and he's not here. I ask for the check. The barman says I have to pay at the cash register. I look at him confused. Cash register? I've been here for three hours and I didn't notice it. Maybe he's there. My heart is full of hope again and my hands are sweating.

I walk towards and it's in a dark corner of the bar. I see a big man from my place, but I can't see his face… I don't know if it's him, I walk, pick up my coat and see him.

"Miss?" the man smiling at me it's not Christian, what a disappointment, but he is the man he was talking to yesterday.

"Two beers" I say.

"What is a fancy lady like you doing in this seedy bar? I don't mean to be rude, but this isn't a neighborhood for a beautiful lady like you, especially at this hour".

I'm dazed by his honesty and the way he talks. I don't know what to answer. All I can do is take some cash and give it to him.

"Before you say anything, please know that this is my place and I'm pretty sure I've never seen you around here before. Are you alright?"

Of course I'm not alright, I feel sick, I don't know if it's the beer or what, but my legs fail. I feel like I'm going straight for the floor when the man jumps and catches me. He takes me in his arms and I hear him screaming something. Then he takes me through a door and puts me in a couch. It's been a few minutes and a girl comes in and puts a candy in my mouth. Surprisingly I feel better, my sight is clearer and I can think straight. I remember that I haven't eaten since lunch, it was probably fatigue, that plus the alcohol and the stress made me almost faint. The girl says something to the big guy and then leaves. It's just the two of us and my bag is too far… if this guy tries something with me, I'm lost.

Despite the noise at the bar, the room is quiet, I don't know what to say, and I'm not strong enough to move yet. He looks at me and comes closer to the couch I'm sitting. Without asking anything, he picks up my legs and sits under them. Now I can see him. He's very handsome, has beautiful blue eyes and a kind smile. He stretches his hand and introduces himself.

"Hello, I'm Elliot, I'm the owner. I'm sorry you were sick, but I swear my beers are the good kind". I laugh at his comment and introduce myself, with degree and everything.

"Hi, I'm Anastasia Steele, general surgeon, about to enter my neuro fellowship."

"Wow, a doctor in my bar. Do you feel any better?

"Yes, thank you so much. It's just that I'm no used to drink". While I say this, my eyes stop at a picture of Elliot and another man… Christian. He watches me looking at the picture, and gives it to me to see it closer.

"He's my best friend, Christian, and we took it the day I opened the bar. He has been with me for everything, good and not so good. He's a great guy."

My heart brakes hearing him talking, my eyes are drowning in tears and he notices.

"Do you know each other? Do you know him? Is that why you are here?"

"That's a lot of questions, don't you think? Yes, we know each other; we met a long time ago, at the orphanage…"

Suddenly he looks like he has just figured out something really important. He looks confused, happy and anxious.

"Anastasia Steele… You are Ana?

"Yes, that's how my friends call me, but… why?" I still don't know why he asked me that, I can't make the connection…. Till I understand everything… he told him about me.

"Come on, we have to go find him"

"He's not coming today?"

"He didn't make it and he doesn't answer my calls, I'm a little worried about him. So it was you, on the train?" I nod. "I was thinking about going to his house once I had closed the bar anyway, but fuck with that. You are here and he needs to see you, Give me five minutes and we'll leave."

Elliot closes the door behind him and I'm trying to grasp what has just happened. He told his friend about me, he told him about the train, but he didn't come tonight and he doesn't answer his phone. I hope he's fine. I think about how terrible it will be to find him on drugs. God, I couldn't take it, but Elliot doesn't look like a drug addict, and he told me they've been together on the bar for years. I'm confused… I'll see him… in just a couple of minutes I'll see him. My throat is tight again and the tears fall.

I don't notice Elliot when he comes back with my coat.

"Let's go Ana, next stop: Christian's house."


	8. Adrenaline

**Chapter 7: Adrenalin **

**Disclaimer: Ana and Christian belong to E.L. James, the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

I don't even have time to think. Elliot grabs my hand and takes me through a back exit to his car. It's a black truck; it looks kind of old, but well cared. Once I'm at the front seat next to him, I put the taser gun back in my coat. I know he doesn't seem dangerous, but I don't really know him.

We move fast through the almost empty streets of the city. Elliot doesn't talk. I don't know what's going to happen in a few, I don't even know where we are going. I fidget in my seat and wriggle my hands, they are cold and shaky. I don't know if I want to face this moment, I don't want to risk seeing him drunk or drugged. Maybe Elliot should go in first and check everything is fine, besides once he finds out it's me who's looking for him, he could not want to see me… I don't blame him, but I need to talk to him, look into his eyes, those beautiful eyes. Suddenly I feel I'm expecting too much of this and the truth is that I don't know anything about that man. God, it's been nine years, he could have moved on like me… No, please, no, please don't let him forget me.

"What are you thinking Dr. Steele?"

"Please, call me Ana"

"Well Ana, why are you so quiet?"

"We've just met and you know nothing about me…"

"You're wrong. All you did tonight was put a face on my friend's memories, my almost brother. I know you were together at the orphanage; that you were in love. I know that you were adopted, but you stayed together till one day, you disappeared without an explanation. I know that he went through heaven and earth looking for you, but he couldn't find you. He wanted to die from the pain, but he survived, until he saw you on the train yesterday."

"I don't know why I'm telling you this, I barely know you, but we are already here and I can't escape… it's been tough years. Y loved Christian, and today, after all this time I'm facing the chance to see him again… I don't know what has happened in his life, or what he will think about me. I try to take him out of my heart and my mind with all I had, and I thought I had made it. But just one glimpse on the train was enough for the ghosts to come back. The last time I saw him…"

I can't go on; I don't know what I can say to Elliot. I can't even understand how I am talking to him as if I knew him since forever. I'm not like this; it's hard for me to make new friends, to talk to people. I never know what to say, and now here I am, talking like there's no tomorrow… maybe it's the beers, or the nerves, I don't know. The car is quiet again and it's Elliot who breaks it.

"Come on Ana, I know there's something you are not saying that worries you…"

"It's too hard… I don't want to go in first to see him, I can't…"

"But… why? I've told you he's dying to see you, he won't turn you down…"

"It's not that…"

"Then what is it?" after a minute I finally tell him.

"I couldn't bear to see him… drugged…"

"Drugged? But, who do you think my friend is? Drugs? God, woman, there's no chance of that!"

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you"

"It's not me you are offending. We clearly don't know the same Christian."

He's the one quiet now. I screwed up. I shouldn't have said anything.

There are two options now. Either Christian doesn't do drugs, or he's hiding it from his friend. I try to think back to all the times I tried to find him, despite Jack telling me it wasn't worth it, that he was a sick man, a psychotic drug addict. I feel the blush coming… how could I be so stupid? I sigh.

Suddenly the truck stops and Elliot turns it off. Everything is quiet again.

"We are here. It's the first floor apartment."

I look outside and see a house in a nice neighborhood. They are small two floor houses. This one is special; it has an independent door to the second floor. The light downstairs is off. Christian's it's still on. Elliot takes a key set out of the glove compartment and gives them to me:

"This one opens the gate and this one the door"

"What if he's with someone?"

"No, relax; I'm sure he's alone. I'll wait for you until you tell me to leave"

"Ok."

I take the keys and get off the truck. My legs are shaking like jelly. I feel butterflies in my stomach and I feel dizzy. I walk to the gate, open it easily and go upstairs, I hold the railing tight, I don't want to fall down and break something. Ok, four more steps and I'm there. I know I have the keys, but I rather knock first. Knock, knock… I wait feeling really tense but nothing happens. I knock again. It seems I'll have to use the damn key. With shaky hands I take the key but drop it while trying to put it in the lock. I pick it up but hit my head with the door. _I'm such a klutz,_ I curse, aware that Elliot is watching me. I smile trying to convey I'm fine. I finally put the key in the lock and go in.

Christian's house is… simple? He has barely a couch, a TV and a table with just one chair. _Shit. _Something is wrong; there is glass on the floor and blood all over. The famous adrenaline pumps fast through my body and I take out my taser gun and search the apartment. I scream his name while following the trail of blood that takes me to the bedroom… and next to the bed lays a bloodied Christian. I can't believe I'm losing him as soon as I found him. The doctor in me beats the scared woman in love and I squat next to him and take his pulse. Oh god he's alive, but we have to take him out of here. I run outside and scream Elliot's name. Once he sees me he understands something's wrong, his eyes open wide and he jumps out of the truck. I see my red hands full of his blood.

"He's alive" I tell Elliot when he gets next to me, "but we have to move him or he won't make it"

Without another word he follows me to the room and takes him in his arms. Christian has a deep cut in his stomach and he's been beaten. We run to the truck and get on it. I seat next to Christian.

"Where do we take him?"

"My house"

"But he is hurt, he needs a hospital!"

"Elliot, trust me. I have everything I need to take care of him at home. Take him to the hospital will be a mistake. They'll take too long admitting him, then social security, then the cops… do you want me to keep going?" I see Elliot thinking and I know he knows I'm right.

"Ok, let's go to your house, but if he doesn't get better I'll take him to the hospital."

I smile, he's a good man and I know he cares about Christian, but I have to be in charge of the situation now. He's still losing blood, even though the cut doesn't seem too deep, he'll probably need stitches.

When I moved here, alone with Teddy, I thought it would be a good idea to put a small consult so I could spend the afternoons with my son. I build and equipped the place, but never had to use it, till now. I hope everything works like it should… I haven't been there in a while.

We get home and I tell Elliot to take Christian around the house, while I go through the front. The entrance to the consult it's behind, but it's connected to the house's security system, so I have to get inside and shut it down. I run, get in, turn it off and run through the house to the consult.

Elliot is at the entrance with an unconscious Christian in his arms. I turn on the lights and show him the gurney. While Elliot lies him down I turn on the heat and look for everything I'll need. I smile; I spared no expenses on this place.

I have to clean the wound, asses how it is and do a neuro exam to see if the unconsciousness is because of the beating. Once everything is clear in my head I look at Elliot, who's standing not knowing what to do.

"Come on Elliot, help me. You'll be my nurse, ok?" poor man, he just nods. I know this is going to be a long speech.

"OK, help me to take off his clothes; I need to see if his hurt somewhere else." Obediently he takes off his shoes and socks while I cut off his shirt and pull it off. Then I do the same with his pants. The smell of alcohol is all over the room. He was definitely drunk. Elliot looks at me surprised and I know I have to talk… _just my luck… _I take a deep breath. "Elliot, this is an emergency, he won't need this clothe and we have to make sure he's fine.

He understands and moves faster. He helps me take off what's left of his pants and underwear. _Oh god._ Here in front of me is the man I've loved all this years, naked and almost dying. I really have bad luck, I sigh. I put him on the monitors and put an IV in his arm. His heartbeat is steady and saturates perfectly, this man is alive. I smile. I cover him with a towel and check critically every inch of his body, the same body my hands used to wonder, so I could memorized him with my eyes closed.

"I don't see other outside wounds. Would you give me hat machine Elliot?" I indicate the ultrasound. "I want to check his abdomen. The cut seems superficial, but there was a lot of blood at the apartment. I want to make sure everything is fine." He nods and gives me the machine. I put the gel on his stomach and move the wand carefully. I do it three times, just to be sure.

"Everything looks fine; he just has a few broken ribs."

I look closely to the wound and find a handkerchief I had put in there, but I don't remember when.

"Whoever did this cut through a blood vessel, probably that's why there was so much blood. I'll have to give him stitches. You can wait outside if you want, this could be painful for someone who's not used to."

"Don't even think about baby. Neither you nor all your medicine will take me apart from my friend at a time like this."

I love to see how much he cares about Christian. Jack face crosses my mind, but I push him away quickly. I'll have time to set that straight later… I hope so.

"Whatever you want baby." I say making fun of him. Half the men pass out at this moment. Seeing another person being sew as if one is mending a sock it's not easy to watch. I clean the wound, cauterize the blood vessel that's still bleeding and start to close. I gave him local anesthesia in case he wakes up, but he seems out of this world. I look sideways at Elliot whose pale as paper.

"If you are going to throw up, please do it away from Christian." My words make him snap out of it, and he calms. I smirk at him, I like the feeling of knowing there are things that normal people can't do.

"I think Christian could be comatose as a result of the drinking and the blood loss. We should pump his stomach so he can get rid of all the alcohol left and stop it of being absorbed by his body. This time all ask you to leave for a few minutes."

I think the tone of my voice made Elliot think straight and he left quietly.

_Finally alone with the father of my child, my first love, and I can't tell him anything. _My hands wonder over his naked body, remembering, enjoying. I blush, if someone sees me. I put myself together and start the lavage.

-oOo-

It's been four hours and everything it's still the same. Elliot and I have been next to Christian all the time, quiet, there was no sound but the monitors. We are tired and I thank its Saturday so I don't have to go to the hospital or make up an excuse to stay at home and take care of him.

Oh my god, Jack! I have to keep him away from the house. Elliot's truck is park in a way it's not easy to see from the outside, but I can't hide Christian if someone comes home. Quickly I think of a plan and fake a memo form the hospital.

**MEMORANDUM**

Saint Amalia Community Hospital

To all the night staff on call April 15th:

We've found there is a case of Meningitis W135 and all workers who have been on duty during the shift described above shall remain in total isolation in their homes for at least 5 days. If you present some of the symptoms of this disease, please report at the hospital as soon as possible, taking all safeguards measures necessary.

Symptoms:

- Fever over 38° C

- Headache

- Nausea

- Irritability

- Vomiting

- Loss of appetite

Hospital Administration

I forward the mail to Jack and the text him:

**You saw the email, so don't come over, it was my patient. I'm fine, don't worry. I'll talk to you later.**

I know this plot will give me a few hours. The disease it's rare enough to make him believe it. He won't call the hospital or the girls. After my brilliant plan I look at Elliot and stand up to check Christian's vitals.

"Come on big guy, go rest for a while. You are exhausted and I'm used to this, it's a long shift for me." I smile.

Elliot looks at Christian. "Relax, he'll be fine and I'll call you as soon as he wakes up. There's a room at the end of the hall."

"I think I'll be fine on the couch"

"Fine, there's a comfortable couch in the living room and at the drawer under the TV you'll find some blankets and a pillow"

"Thank you Ana."

I smile and take my seat next to Christian.

My phone rings, there's a text from Jack:

**That's too bad. Take care; I'll go golfing with the guys. X**

I smile and kiss Christian's cold hand. I won one more day with Christian Grey.


	9. Waking up

**Chapter 8: Waking up**

**Christian and Ana belong to E.L. James, but the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

Christian is about to wake up any minute now and I want to be the first face he sees. I smile thinking it was good to send Elliot to sleep. I don't want anything disturbing this moment. I look at Christian and he looks like a sleeping child. I gave myself four more hours; if he doesn't wake up I'll have to take him to the hospital to run a few tests.

Once, when we were little, Christian had pneumonia. He was a fragile child, nothing like the man in front of me. It wasn't so long after we first met and our friendship had given the first steps. One day Christian didn't show up for breakfast. It was very cold that week and I knew he didn't have enough warm clothes, but he refused to ask Mrs. Grace for help. She was busy with all the other problems of the orphanage to have time to check the boys' wardrobe.

When I didn't see him I knew something was wrong, so I went looking for Mrs. Grace for help. She understood immediately and without further question, we went for Christian, but he wasn't in his bed or anywhere else. However we knew that he hadn't run away; this was the first place where he felt accepted, where he had friends, and shelter, food and love. Mrs. Grace set up a search party. The rest of the kids couldn't understand why we were so worried and Jack objected so much dedication for "just another orphan."

The hours passed and we couldn't find him. Suddenly I had an idea, but I was too little to go by myself: the attic. Mrs. Grace went with me, and right there in the middle of some old boxes was Christian, shaking and burning in fever.

She took him in her arms and brought him to her room. We had to avoid other kids getting sick, so she put him on isolation. But, of course she wasn't able to pull me out of his side, I was the orphanage nurse.

Christian was shaken by the fever, so we took turns with Mrs. Grace to put cold cloths on him, but nothing happened, he seem weaker and my little heart hurt by seeing him suffer. That night neither of us slept, the hours kept passing and he didn't get better, so Mrs. Grace called a doctor. He said Christian had pneumonia, probably for being cold so many days. She blamed herself for no giving him enough attention, but the doctor told her that he was a bad nourished kid, so this kind of sickness were worst for him. That being said, he gave him some antibiotics and left, leaving us calmer. The magic of a well prescript medicine worked, and a few hours later the fever went down and Christian woke up. The first person he saw next to him was me.

I'm so immersed in my thoughts that I don't see when Christian wakes up and takes a scalpel from the tray. In just two seconds everything is a mess. He gets up, and because he's still too weak, stumbles with the table dropping everything. I try to get closer to him and calm him, but he threats me with the scalpel.

"Where am I? Who are you? Why did you try to kill me?" I can't say a word, I'm frozen. "Answer me!"

"It's me, Ana!"

"You're lying. You are the girl from the train. You're not Ana, you are just a crazy chick. Where am I?!"

Thank god Elliot woke up with all the noise and Christian's screaming. When he gets to the consult he tries to calm his friend quickly.

"Relax bro' everything is fine, put that thing down"

Christian looks at him stunned, he doesn't understand.

"This woman is crazy; she hit me and hurt me with a knife!"

"Are you sure? Did you saw her doing it?" Now they both seem confused.

"No, I just remember I was at home, I had drunk and was going to bed when something hit me in the head and…"

"What is wrong with you two, of course it wasn't me. Christian, go back to bed now, sit down and look at me"

Christian looks lost with all my orders and backs out and obeys quietly. I reach my hand for the scalpel and he gives it to me. Then I take my light pen and check his eyes. Then his reflexes and his lungs with my stethoscope. I hang it carefully around my neck. He looks at me mouth hanging open.

"Ana… it is you Ana, my little nurse…"

There's a minute of full silence while our eyes lock, they recognize each other, and they love. _No, no, no Ana, he was drunk._ My responsible self takes the lead.

"Dr. Anastasia Steele if you don't mind." I don't know why I'm so tough with him, but I can't allow being more confuse.

"A doctor, wow, you made it far… ouch!"

He complains when I check his wound but I keep going with a cold stare.

"The cut was superficial, but I had to stitch you anyway to close the wound. You only have a few scratches in your head, and you may feel sick to your stomach because of the alcohol and the pumping..."

"Pumping?"

His horrified face it's hilarious. Elliot and I look at each other and start laughing out loud. The atmosphere is relaxed for a moment, but Christians gets pissed off, he stands up, stumbles a little and falls on the gurney. I come close and speak to him with a soft voice.

"Please don't move Christian, you are still weak, you lost a lot of blood, you are dehydrated…"

"I want to go back home". He is a kid about to make a tantrum, but Elliot speaks out:

"Not right now bro', your place is a mess and someone tried to kill you, I don't know if you understand that. Besides you'll be fine here"

"But…"

"No buts, I already told Grace and she's worried about you. When I told her Ana was the one who saved you, she almost cried of happiness. She knows you are in good hands and after seeing her taking care of you, I know you'll be fine too."

I feel my cheeks blushing with Elliot words and Christian stare on me. I don't know what to say, but we'll have time to talk about everything… I hope so. I try to straighten the mess Christian left after his fall, but I feel like a 15 years old girl again and I drop everything. Elliot crouches next to me and helps me; I look sideways at Christian laying in the gurney and I see his stare turning a little hostile.

"Thank you Elliot, you didn't need to bother. I'm a bit clumsier than usual, I must be tired"

"You should rest for a while; I'll stay with the patient"

"I don't need a sitter, I'm not a child" says a grumpy Christian.

"I'll stay with you and that's it. Le the girl get some rest, she hasn't slept all night taking care of you"

"You are good man Elliot. I'll just take a shower and make some breakfast for the three of us."

I leave the room on shaky legs. I run to my room, lock the door and cry. I cry desperately, like a little girl, like all those nights since I left, since I caught him, all those years ago.

-oOo-

I watch my reflection in the bathroom mirror; my eyes are swollen after so much crying. I cried behind the closed door, in the shower confusing my tears with the water, both falling over my face at the same time. Probably they won't notice and if they do, they'll think it's for staying up all night, even though for me it was a long shift.

I'm wearing blue yoga pants and a cotton t shirt, my go to outfit when I'm at home. I leave the shoes and just put on a pair of comfy socks, great for the cold days. I pick up my hair to look a bit more grown up and go to the kitchen to start the breakfast.

God, without Teddy here, the fridge it's an empty cave. There aren't even eggs. I'll have to go out for something, but if someone sees me and tells Jack. Shit, I hate lying. _What do I do? _I open a cabinet and the pans fall over my head… _what the h… if I never used them._ Clumsily I turn on the coffee pot and the kettle for some tea, at least I have that.

"Hey, is everything fine?"

"God, you scared me Elliot. How is Christian?"

"Relax, he fall asleep, but I don't know how you didn't wake him up with all the noise. Don't rush, he'll be out for a while, he's still a little weak. Do you need help?"

I drop my eyes and stare at my hands, Christian is in my house, weak, and I don't have anything to offer him for breakfast, not even some old bread.

"Come on Ana, what's wrong?"

"Argghhhh! OK. It's just that I don't have food. My son it's gone for a few days and I haven't been able to go shopping, so I barely have some tea and coffee, but I don't know how to use the coffee pot either"

"Hahahaha! God, woman, that's very easy to fix! Just take your car keys and go buy something to eat"

"I can't leave the house. Don't look at me like that, I can't explain, I have a life already made and I had to lie so Christian could stay here." Silence, it's like he's waiting for something else, oh god, Elliot, I sigh. "I said I could have a strange disease and that I should stay in quarantine, but if…"

"If someone sees you outside it'll screw up your lie. Look Ana, I don't know what your story is, but I'll help you. I'll go shopping; you just make me a list, alright?"

"Thank you Elliot."

I smile feeling relaxed. I print the shopping list on the computer and give it to him with my credit card. Elliot looks surprised.

"You have to be very organized when…" I stop, I was just going to say _when you have a kid and you are alone_, but it might not be a good idea.

"When…?"

"Sorry, when you work with shifts and at night. Everybody in the house must know what to buy…" He believes me, takes his things and leaves. I sight and pour myself a cup of tea.

With the cup in my hands I go to the consult. Christian is sleeping. I look at him, beautiful as always, maybe even more. I leave my tea and check his vitals, but when I'm going to put the stethoscope on his chest he opens his eyes and grabs my wrist hard, pushing my hand away from him.

"Don't touch me."

Only three words, but it was the worst threat I'd ever been given. I pull my hand away and drop my eyes. _What is wrong with me? How can I allow him to talk to me like that?_ I take a deep breath.

"I'm checking your vitals"

"Well, I feel wonderful. Don't touch me"

"I'm not doing it for my pleasure, it's my duty. I have to check your pulse…"

"Well, check it here" he says stretching his arm. I obey confused.

"Temperature" I say and he opens his mouth, so I can put the thermometer.

"Lungs" he turns to his back with a great effort.

His back. I hadn't seen it so far. God, it's full of tiny scars. The horror takes over me and I hide a little scream. What's has happened to him in these nine years that his once beautiful back today seems cover in a blood cobweb. I shake my head and speak as I check his breathing:

"What happened to your back?

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Sorry, you can turn back."

I help him, touching him the least possible, just grabbing his arm; but now he surprises me by taking my hand. He looks at me and although there's no anger in his eyes, there is something I can't figure out. Goosebumps run all over my body, and I blush and bite my lip. Christian smiles and the world comes crashing down, and I fall at his feet. It's been too long since I last saw that beautiful smile.

"You still bite your lip when you are nervous." His voice is soft and hoarse, delicious. I let go quickly and it makes him smile bigger. "You are as pretty as I remember Ana; maybe even more." I blush and smile; I thought the same about him.

"Christian, I…"

"I'm sorry Dr. Steele" he says with a cold ice voice. He drops my hand, and it feels empty without his.

_No, no, no, no, please don't let me go, stay with me forever, love me, take care of me, tell me everything it's going to be fine, please Christian._ But my hand doesn't go after his, instead it comes back to my lap and fidgets with my other hand sadly, while I seat next to him.

"Just tell me one thing Ana", his voice is sad, just the way my heart feels now. "Why did you lie to me on the train?"

"I… don't know"

And I lie to him once more.


	10. Christian POV

**Because we all wanted to know what Christian was thinking!**

**Thank you for all your reviews, you are the best!**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

**Chapter 7 and 8 – Christian POV**

It's burning, I feel the burn, my side hurts. I feel like I'm going to die here, alone and drunk, just like my father and my mother. Damn destiny, I'm repeating their mistakes. I'll be just another number in the drunken father and son statistics. I can't believe it; I can't believe I'm going to die like this.

I'm not strong enough to move, I can't even open my eyes, probably I'm already dead.

"Christian! What happened to you? Look at me, it's Ana! Christian… oh god, he's not responding!"

Ana? Now I'm sure I'm dead. I feel her steps moving away, she's leaving. Where is she going? I heard her screaming from far away. "Elliot!"

I hear her voice again… my angel hasn't left.

"He's alive but we have to move him or he won't make it"

Now I feel two strong arms lifting me up, it hurts, it burns, I can't move. Silence. I feel a soft hand touching me, holding me.

"Elliot, trust me. I have everything I need to take care of him at home. Take him to the hospital will be a mistake. They'll take too long admitting him, then social security, then the cops… do you want me to keep going?"

"Ok, let's go to your house, but if he doesn't get better I'll take him to the hospital."

_Darkness_

-oOo-

God, everything hurts, my head, my body, my life, please I need to move. _Come on, try opening just one eye, you can do it Christian._ Finally I see one of my eyes following my orders and opening. _Shit, where am I?_ I remember what happened last night… _Was it last night? I don't know how long I have been here_. I was attacked, my head, now I understand why it hurts. I'm going to kill the asshole that did this to me.

I'm not in a hospital, there's a woman next to me, but she hasn't seen I woke up. I look around I have to get out of here. _What kind of place is this? _I… I don't know how I'll leave, but I have to. I see the door, that's where I have to make it, maybe she's alone. I found a scalpel; I'll threat her with this and run, yes. _Am I strong enough?_ I'll find the strength anyway…

I get up quickly, she hasn't seen me, shit I'm weak and I fell. There's a loud noise that stuns me and the woman comes close to me. If she touches me I'll kill her, she probably kidnapped me hit. Over my dead body I will let this happen again, I'll get rid of her first. I threat the girl with the scalpel.

"Where am I? Who are you? Why did you try to kill me? Answer me!"

"It's me, Ana!"

She must think I'm an idiot, I know she's the girl from the train; the one I thought was Ana. But she left me pretty clear I was wrong.

"You're lying. You are the girl from the train. You're not Ana, you are just a crazy chick. Where am I?!"

Suddenly Elliot enters the room._ What the hell is he doing here?_ This sure is a plan against me.

"Relax bro' everything is fine, put that thing down"

She set him up too. I try to explain to him that she's a psychopath, that she hurt me with a knife and… hold on, no, I didn't saw her do it and so far she has only tried to help me… What if she's really Ana? But… Why did she lie to me last morning? I don't get it.

"What is wrong with you two, of course it wasn't me. Christian, go back to bed now, sit down and look at me"

I don't dare to challenge her, I'm weak, a little sunned and confused. I give her the scalpel and slightly graze her hand, white, thin and cold, beautiful, and when I do it, I feel a little bit more alive. _No, it can't be Ana._ Without hesitation, she takes some kind of flashlight and dazzles me, I don't complain because it allows me to have her serious face close to mine. I feel her sweet smell and her warm breath. Those eyes, her eyes, it's Ana, my Ana. The same serious face she had when she was a little girl needing to help. She continues to check on me, but I don't know what to do. _What do I say to her?_ It's her, I'm pretty sure it's here, I finally found her. I'm socked.

"Ana… it is you Ana, my little nurse…"

I don't know how I've lived all this time without her care, her love, her healing presence in my life. Maybe that's why I seem more lost and dirty than before. Maybe it's being too long and I don't deserve her attention anymore, but I know I'm lost without her… I haven't stopped loving here. I don't know what I'll do, but I have to get her back, in spite of everything.


	11. Jealousy

**Christian and Ana belong to E.L. James, but the train ride is ours.**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

**Chaper 9: Jealousy**

I can't stop looking at my hands while Christian is staring at wall. There's so much anger in his eyes, so much pain… I wish I could hug him, tell him that I love him, that I've never forgotten him; that everything it's going to be fine, but deep down I know that's not true. Time hasn't spent in vain and that nothing will be as it used to, I know. I'm still looking at my hand when the house's phone rings. I answer from the consult without thinking.

"Hi mommy, did I wake you?" Shit, it's Teddy, _calm down Ana, relax; they can't see you through the phone._

"No sweetheart, mommy's been wake for a while now. How are you? How is your vacation going?"

"Awesome mom, grandpa took me with him everywhere, we've been in really pretty places and ate a lot of pizza"

"Teddy you know too much junk food it's not god for you…"

"Yes mom I know… I promised I've eaten vegetables too"

"OK sweet heart, please take care, ok? I love you!"

"I love you too mommy. Grandpa wants to speak to you" I feel my dad's tired steps coming closer and I smile thinking of the workout Teddy is giving him.

"Hi honey, what happened at the hospital?"

"I can't believe it, who told you about it? God…"

"Jack"

"He's like a gossipy old lady. Nothing happened, it's just a precautionary quarantine caused by a very aggressive virus, that's all. I'm fine"

"I'm glad Ana, but please let me know if you need something" I smile again; he's always been very protective of me.

"Hahaha, I'm pretty sure you will be able to do something from across the country"

"Well, I have my ways, hahaha, take care honey, ok? I love you very much"

"I love you too, kisses for both".

When I hang up, Christian is sitting in the gurney and looking seriously at me.

"You have a son"

"Is that a question or an affirmation?" I say trying to avoid the answer

"Answer me" he says coldly

"Yes, I have a son", he nods and looks at me, at the consult and then says:

"I have to go now. I'm an obstacle in your life". I take a deep breath so I don't jump straight into his arms and kiss him, recalling our best moments together. Instead, I answer his seriousness with gravity.

"Listen to me Christian Grey, and listen well because I'll only say this once. It was me who followed you that morning in the train, yes, and then I followed you to your work. It was me the one who hide under a newspaper and saw Mrs. Grace giving you breakfast. It was me who went to that bar you work in, and took more beer than necessary, waiting for you. It was me who passed out at the bar and had to be helped by Elliot, who took me to his office and showed me your picture, and drove me to your place. It was me who found you at your apartment and saw you on the floor, unconscious and covered in blood," my eyes are drowning in tears but I keep going, "it was me who convinced Elliot to bring you here, to my house, because this place it's my home and my refuge and only the ones I want can be here. So if you are here, it's because I want to. Now I'll tell you what we'll do. Elliot is coming back from shopping and I'll go to the kitchen to make breakfast for all of us, and then we'll talk like really good old friends Grey… just like old friends."

_I did it!_ I spoke more than five words without stuttering; I looked him in the eyes and didn't surrender to them. I'm so proud of myself. Without another thought I give him my hand to reach and follow me, he does it without a doubt, but then let's go of me and watches me.

"There's nothing I would like more than having breakfast with you Dr. Steele, but I'm afraid I'm not dressed for the occasion".

Fuck my speech, the man is almost naked and I'm inviting him for breakfast. I blush so much I feel my face it's going to explode, god, I'm so embarrassed and he keeps talking.

"Is there something I can borrow from your husband?"

I'm a little shock, when did he think I have a husband?

"I don't have a husband Mr. Grey, but I think I can find something that'll fit you."

_Did I tell him I'm not married? Oh, Ana, you are so lost!_ _Flirting with the man that shattered your life. You should've made him believe you have a husband, a son, a house, a dog… _I leave him alone in the consult and go to find some clothes, probably Jack has left something here. I open and close drawers but there's only mine and Teddy's clothes. I go to the guest room for something and at the last drawer there's a pajama pant and t-shirt from my dad. It's the only thing I have and it's clearly no his size.

When I'm back I see Elliot at the door, I let him in and tell him to leave everything in the kitchen, that I'll be there in a couple of minutes.

I take the clothes to Christian.

"Come here, I'll help you get dress"

"No, thank you, I can do it by myself"

"Come on, don't be stubborn, you can't do it alone with that wound"

"I said I'll do it alone"

I don't listen to him and pull the t-shirt trough his head, but when I'm going to touch him, he screams.

"Don't touch me! Fuck, I can do it alone!"

I'm stock still, looking at him and feel the tears coming. What is wrong with him?

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to help"

He stays quiet for a while and answers me when his calmer, "no, please forgive me, it's just… I don't like when people touches me"

"You weren't like this before"

"A lot has changed since you left Ana"

"I know."

But the truth is I don't know; I know nothing. This man in front of me is using the body of the man that was my great love, but it's not him. In his eyes I only see hopelessness, anger, sadness. I don't want to think that this is all my fault, I was never that important to him.

"I'm ready, I look silly, but ready"

I look at him and smile sadly, this isn't my love, and yes, he does look silly in my father's clothes. We walk carefully to the kitchen, while he's mocking me.

"A little bit short your husband… and kind of chubby for his height"

"I told you I don't have a husband"

When we get to the kitchen Elliot throws his head back in laughter, "where did you get that from? I'm sure the dead guy was smaller"

His laugh his contagious. Elliot is a good man and also a great cook, he made us a big breakfast with eggs, bread, cheese, waffles and french toast.

"Ana, I didn't know what you would like so I made a little bit of everything. I hope its fine. I also add some _men's food_ to your grocery list, like bacon, peanut butter and meat"

"Its fine Elliot, my son would be happy with that _men's food, _not that healthy but delicious."

Christian eats quietly and just looks at us.

"Hey bro, when we are done I'll go by the store to pick some clothes of your size and then I'll go to the bar. In the evening I'll go by your place and bring you some of your stuff." He gives him a bag, "there you'll find all you need to feel like a decent man again."

This guy thought of everything, there's a tooth brush, a razor and deodorant.

"Everything is courtesy of Dr. Steele"

"I'll pay you as soon as I get my stuff", he says

"You don't have too"

"Yes I do"

Here we go again, another stupid fight for what, who pays ten dollars? There's no point with it.

"If it means so much to you, then fine."

Finally he's quiet. I smile. _One for Steele._ Elliot stands to help me and Christian follows, but I stop him.

"No, no, no Mr. Grey. You're not in condition to help right now. Please stay still and I'll be with you in a minute."

He doesn't complain. He must be in pain.

Once we are finish, Elliot leaves to the store and we are alone. I know he is in pain, but he won't say anything, he's too proud and it's capable of suffer in silence. We go to the consult and I seat in front of him with the instruments.

"Mr. Grey I need to check your wound, take your vitals and give you some ibuprofen for the pain. I'll try to touch the least possible."

He nods and I begin by uncovering his abdomen, his body is perfect and now that I know I can't touch him, I'll give anything to kiss one by one the planes of his chest. _It's kind of hot in here, behave Ana. _All my whishes disappear when I look up and see his face contorted in pain.

"Does it hurt?"

"No doctor, just don't touch me, please"

"I told you, the least possible", I put the bandage again, ask for his vitals and give him something for the pain. "We are done Mr. Grey."

He opens his beautiful eyes and I see how they go from fear to relief just by seeing my hands away from him.

"Thank you doctor"

"Let's cut the crap please. It's Ana, ok?"

"You were the one who set the boundaries"

"I know, but… just Ana?"

"Just Christian?"

I smile at him and he gives me a smile back.

"I would kill for that smile", he says and grabs my hand. I don't take it back. Instead I drop my eyes and don't answer. _It's just pretty words Ana, he didn't want to change his life for you, he won't kill for your smile. Don't let yourself get trapped. _I see Jack's face telling me once and again about the condition he found Christian when I asked him to go find him. The doorbell rings and for a minute I think it's Jack, I'm screwed. But I remember Elliot had to come back from the store and go to the door. It's him. He gives me a bag with some clothes and leaves; he'll be back in the evening before opening the bar.

I'm back and give the bag to Christian. I know he won't allow me to help him, so maybe it's best if I leave the room. But he stops me with an odd question.

"Do you like him?"

"What?"

"Do you like Elliot?"

"Are you serious?" Who the hell does he think he is, asking me something like that?

"Please, answer me"

"But if I've barely seen him once…"

"Do you like him or not?" his voice doesn't sound upset, it sounds… jealous?

"No, he's like your brother, I couldn't…"

"But if he wasn't?"

"What is going on? I don't like him; I don't have time for that"

He stands up with effort and walks to me, "are you sure you don't like him?"

"What's wrong with you? Are you jealous?"

"Yes. Very jealous."

He's so close to me, and his eyes are dark and fixed in mine. My breath is agitated and my heart beats faster. _Ana, stay away._ But my feet won't move, it's just like my dream.

"I don't like the way you look at each other"

"You are delusional" I say in a whisper and gulp.

"I hope so."

He comes even closer, grabs my hands and holds them over my head. He pushes me against the wall and kisses me. I can't resist. I've waited nine years for this, nine long years. We kiss like there's no tomorrow, his body holds me trapped to the wall and I feel his erection on my belly. I want him so much right now; I want him inside me, and to make me remember what we used to do together, and my crotch definitely agrees with me; because when Christian drops one hand and touches me, I'm completely wet.

Oh god, I have to stop this, I try to push him back but I can, Christian is stronger than me. His fingers remember the way and thrust inside me, and I can't help to enjoy every movement. I'm barely breathing and sweating when his fingers take me to the best orgasm I've had in the last years.

"It's ok Ana, come for me baby, I want to hear you"

But Christian doesn't stop, he wants more and I can feel it building again, another orgasm and just with his fingers. Suddenly he makes a sharp move with his fingers and screams in pain. That's when I remember where we are and why is he here.

"Stop" I order him, and Christian looks at me surprised.

"But I thought…"

"Don't think anything, this isn't right"

"Ana, we are grownups, this is just sex and…"

"It's not that. Your wound won't heal if you don't rest…"

"Come on, don't do this to me, I want you so much…"

"I want you too, but we have to wait a few days"

He sulks a bit, but nods, "I need a shower… a cold one"

"I'll show you the bathroom". I lead him; give him a set of towels and quick kiss on the lips.

"I'll be out here if you need something" and close the door.

_Oh my god, what have I done. Christian Grey is back in my life._


	12. The Adoption

**Ana and Christian belong to E. L. James but the train ride is ours**

**Translated by thenewEmily**

**Chapter 10 The adoption**

It's not common for a 14 year old girl to be adopted. You usually lose hope at 10, because the bigger we are, the less of a son or a daughter we can be. But that wasn't what Mr. and Mrs. Steele thought. After years of trying to have their own kids, and after long and failed fertilization treatments, they decided to adopt a teenager to accompany the good Mrs. Steele… mom.

That's how they came to the orphanage one day and sat to talk to all the girls that were there. I didn't want to be adopted anymore, I had a life already made in that place, and despite the difficulties, I was happy. But mom saw me and somehow, she fell in love with me. She felt we were made for each other, she was a whirlwind of energy, and I was just like dad, a silent enthusiastic. They made a few more visits, but in mom's heart, I was already her daughter.

One day, they ask Mrs. Grace if I could go with them to a beautiful coffee shop for icecream. It wasn't the first time they did that, they had already taken some of the other girls and now it was my turn. I had never been in a place like that; it was so elegant, with the whitest tablecloth, the finest cutlery. It was a beautiful tea room. I ate like an orphan, I tried everything and they seemed happy pleasing me. When I didn't have enough room for another muffin, Mr. Steele talked to me.

"Anastasia, you know we've been visiting the orphanage so we can make one of you girls, part of our family. Mrs. Steele and I haven't been able to have kids, and the truth is that we would like a bigger family. On our visits to different orphan houses, we…"

"Oh just say it! Would you like to become a Steele, Anastasia?"

I was extremely surprised, I wasn't the first girl they took out for tea, but they hadn't proposed an adoption for any of them, I felt my mouth hanging open and my thoughts running a thousand per hour. Yes, I wanted a family, a dad, a mom, but I also wanted Christian, and my school friends. God, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to miss that chance, but I didn't want to lose my life as it was. I stayed quiet for a while, searching for the exact words that would buy me some more time, but unable to keep it any longer I answer what I felt in my heart.

"Of course I want to become a Steele"

"That's wonderful" mom said.

"But…"

"But?" Mom was about to cry and dad was paying attention.

"I would like to keep seeing my friends form the orphanage and not to be taken out of school… I have a life already made here and, even though I'm only 14, I've had more loses than I would like, and I don't know if I could take one more"

Mom smiled and dad understood. In that moment I knew I was going to be very, very happy with them. And I was.

-oOo-

I don't here Christian when he leaves the bathroom and comes to the living room. He's standing in front of me, his hair wet and shaved to perfection. The new clothes fit perfectly, Elliot has a good eye. He's wearing blue sweatpants and a white t-shirt that hugs him in the right places, showing his strong arms. I feel like we are undressing each other with our eyes… I can't keep staring at him so I drop my eyes. I bite my lip without thinking and his hand comes to my face and he releases my lip.

"Don't bite your lip Ana or you'll have to stitch me again, because I won't respond for myself.

I blush, I can't look at him, it's like we are 15 again.

"Can I sit next to you?" and I stand up to help him.

"Sit right here little one"

I obey and let him cuddle me while I lay my head in his chest. He stiffens and I remember that he doesn't like to be touched. I look him in the eye.

"I can stay away if you want"

"No, please… stay right here Ana, just… don't lie on my chest"

God, what has happened to this man… what he says it's not a request it's a pray and it hurts me deeply to see so much pain and not knowing what caused it.

He tries to pull himself together and changes the subject. He doesn't want me to ask about his scars, his fears, his pain.

"You were thinking when I saw you earlier. Something you want to share with me Dr. Steele?" I smile.

"I was remembering the day my parents adopted me, it's a happy memory"

"Not for me", I think this is not going to be easy, everything it's a painful reminder for us.

"You never said anything…"

"I didn't want to ruin your happiness, even if it meant my misery…"

"Christian, I…"

"That was the day I started to lose you"

"Actually that was when I started to lose the Christian I loved"

"What do you mean?"

"I think now it's not the right time to talk about it Christian, you are still a little weak and I'm tired". He sighs; he knows that I won't budge with this conversation.

"Can I borrow one of your books? Do you have something I can read, that I can understand?"

"You mean nothing medical?"

"Exactly"

"I think I have something, they're kind of old, I'm not a best seller's girl, more like a fan of the classics"  
"You always were."

I smile and search between my books, the truth is that they're all old, but I find my favorite, Wuthering Highs" and give it to him.

"This one still is my favorite"

"Come on, I'll read it for you", he says and reaches for my hand. I take it and sit next to him. He tells me to put my head in his legs and throws a blanket over the rest of my body. I can't believe this, if Teddy was here with us, everything would be perfect.

I listen Christian's deep voice reading my favorite book and fall slowly with the heat of the room. The tiredness takes over me and I close my eyes, happy.

-oOo-

As soon as I wake up I remember where I am… and with whom. I look up and find his eyes, he's watching me closely. However, I feel something is wrong, that's not the same look he had when he was reading. I sit up.

"How long have I slept?"

"Couple of hours", his voice is hard, dry.

"Are you alright? Does something hurt?"

"No"

"No to what? You are not fine? There's nothing hurting? What's wrong?" he gulps and with those eyes that scream "I don't care" he says "I need to go back to my home so you can move on with your life"

"Can you tell me what happened while I was sleeping?"

"Do you know you talk in your sleep?" Oh god, what would I've said, I'm sweating…

"No, I didn't… what did I say?"

"Who's Teddy?" Shit, damn you subconscious, how much does he know about him? I stand up trying to hide my nervousness.

"What did I say?"

"Who is that Ted? Is he your husband, your lover?"

Relief, he thinks he's my boyfriend. I didn't say anything that could reveal the true identity of our son.

"It's nothing like that; besides, I already told you I don't have a husband"

"Then who is he? Is he a friend?"

"No" I answer really calm, "Teddy is my son. Such a fuss. I had already told you I had a son. I talked to him this morning in the consult, right next to you." Now comes the question about the father… please don't, I don't want to lie anymore.

"I don't remember hearing his name"

"It's fine, you were just waking up"

"Where is your son? He doesn't leave with you?"

"He lives with me; he's just spending some days out of town"

"With his father?"

"No." Silence, I won't give him more information till I find out who's this man in my house.

"I see you don't want to talk about it"

"Our lives have changed Christian, a lot has happened since we broke apart. Am I wrong?"

"No"

"What about you? Do you have a wife, maybe?"  
I have been in his house and there wasn't anyone else there, so I left out the option of him being in a relationship, but maybe it has been another woman in his life.

"No, nothing like that"

"What about a girlfriend?"

"What's with all the questions?"

"You started it; I just want to know where we are. We won't lie to each other, we both have lives already made, but everything comes down when we are this close…"

"Always so articulate Ana… No, I don't have a girlfriend, I've barely had a couple of stories in these nine years, just one that really stands out, but it's been over for years… and you? I know you don't have a husband but maybe a boyfriend?"

"Yes, there is someone, but he's not a boyfriend, he wishes he was… it's just sex for me."

I see Christian's mouth opening while I'm talking. The "just sex" thing shocked him and it makes me laugh, I try to hide it and decide to speak with the truth, I'll have to see how he reacts.

"You know him actually. He was in the orphanage with us, Jack Hyde", I watch his reaction, and he's still shocked.

"¿Jack? ¿Jack Hyde?"

"Yes, the same. We've been friends for years. He has always wanted to have something with me and we've been dating for a few years, but it's just that. I don't allow man to stay in my home when Teddy is here.

"Jack… I can't believe it, since when are you friends?"

"We never lost touch Christian. What's wrong?" clearly he doesn't like this news.

"It happens that I've seen Jack more than once these years. I won't say we are as close as we were in the orphanage, but I've look for him, to find out about you, to _find you_ and he always said he didn't know anything about you. That you parents forbade you to talk with anyone from the orphanage. Even Mrs. Grace tried to help me… but it was as if the earth swallowed you.

Jack… that miserable, selfish bastard. I can't believe what I'm hearing, he did try to find me, maybe he did want to change and Jack hid it from me. God, how many more stories are lies? Jack told me horrible things about Christian and his addictions, but I haven't seen trace of anything. No signs of heroin consume, or coke… I don't know what to believe, I only know one thing.

"Jack lied to both of us"

"What are you saying?" Shit, I said that out loud, I'll have to explain now.

"Sorry, I was thinking out loud… Jack lied to both of us. I asked him many times about you, if he had seen you, if you had tried to reach me; and…"

"And that bastard said I didn't?"

"He said you weren't interested in me"

"I don't believe it, that asshole has kept us apart for years!"

"Hold on Christian, it wasn't Jack who left you, I did." Quiet. "I always thought the reason that you didn't run after me was because you didn't loved me, because I wasn't good enough for you… but maybe you did".

I hold his stare looking for an answer. I'm still standing next to the couch Christian is seated on. He's still holding "Wuthering Heights" in his hands. Come on Christian, say you did it, say you run after me, make me believe you did love me; even though I never believe you would die for me, at least tell me you cared… please. He doesn't speak, there's only silence.

I drop my eyes, I can't take this humiliation, Jack is right… he could've looked for me, yes, but he wasn't interested, that's a fact. Finally he breaks the silence… with more silence.

"Ana, I…"

"Don't worry Christian, I understand"

I turn to look at the window, some shy drops start to fall and the land gets wet. The tears start to fall down my cheeks and my skin is the perfect surface for them to fall one after the other.

"Ana, stop it! What the fuck do you understand? What has he told you about me, about us? Do you really think I didn't try to find you? For god's sake, look at me! Do you think I don't know you are crying while you look at that window? Arrghhh!"

He throws the book in his hand and complains because he moved his hand too quickly and the wound hurt him, I turn around to help him.

"No! I won't let you look at it or help me anymore"

"Christian, don't act like a child, this is beyond our past"

"You are right about that… it's our present, broken, hurt, bleeding"

"Christian, please, don't be melodramatic, I just want to check the stitches, take your pain away"

"I've felt worse pain, don't worry about it"

I take a sit next to him. But he has his arms crossed around his body and doesn't let me move them; he's just like Teddy when he's angry. That picture makes me feel so much tenderness; he's an angry child, a child that I love.

"Jack told me you were waiting for me at the hall in the orphanage, that you came alone, without your parents. I was busy so I ask him to tell you that I would be with you in a minute, but when I made it, you weren't there anymore. I ask for you, and went out to find you. I only saw the cab's door closing, and yes Ana, I did run after you. I called your house a thousand times, and stood every day outside your school, but you never came back… you disappeared. I went crazy without you, I became a real zombie. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I fought with everyone. I had nightmares for years Ana, I dreamed with the cab and your beautiful braided hair… the last thing I saw of you in nine years.

Did I run after you? –I did… Every day of the 3287 I've been without you."


End file.
